One of the greatest struggles and frustrations I face ever since becoming a pastor intern is the expectations of me as a pastor.
Be at every service...prayer meeting...youth meeting...ministry outreach meeting...
Be on call for every last minute thing that is within my power to handle and takeover...
Be on my best behavior...polite...patient...calm...reasonable...smiley...no shouting...
Be more Christian than the 'average' Christian...show more grace, be kinder, be more teachable, be...
'Do this because you will be a pastor...'
'Be this because you will be a pastor...'
'You cannot act like that because you have a pastoral duty...'
'You cannot say that because you are seen as a pastor...'
At times I strike out at God and say 'If this is the case...then Lord, I don't want to be in this pastoral role. I don't want to be a pastor...intern.'
And then I hear in my heart a voice say 'Then do it because you are Christian.'
As I chat with Ching Li over these matters, she articulates it well. People seem to think that the godly principles of life applies only to pastors, leaders, ministers and that if they are 'normal congregational members' they need not live out the principles Christ teaches.
I acknowledge that in leadership there is a greater prominence. People notice the city on the hill. But it doesn't mean the city in the plains is excused from shining its light.
If I HAVE to be at every meeting, every service, because I am a church worker, then it means I live and do what I do because I am paid to. Which then brings into question my motives for praying, for serving, for worshiping. Maybe that's why we are paid little...so that there is an element to remind us that this is a sacrifice unto the Lord. :) LOL!
Jokes and humor aside...the tension between the two is fragile. And sometimes, it doesn't really matter why you attend a service...but it matters that you KNOW why you attend the service. It would be deceit to tell myself I am at a worship service because I love the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind and strength, when actually I am there because I have to be. I believe God understands. And somehow, when we are honest, He transforms our motives...He gives grace beyond what I can imagine.
Ching Li and I have a quip that we tell each other when we break the 'rules'.
'I overslept today...'
'I don't want to go to chapel...'
'I skipped the order of prayer...'
'I forgot to give thanks for the food...'
We pat each other on the back and say...'You'll still go to heaven...'
:) My value and destination in view of eternity is not dependent on how many chapel services I attend, how many classes I go for, how many times I give thanks for my food...
It is not dependent on how many hours I spend in prayer, on the tears I cry when I sing, on the time I spend reading His word, on the number of people I am patient with...
It is only dependent on what Jesus has done on the cross and whether I confess and believe with all that I am that He has died for my sins, and that He is risen, and that in Him I made new and set free to do what is right.
If it were based on my own merits, it wouldn't be grace.
But because I am Christ's, bought by His blood, redeemed by Him, loved lavishly by Him...then,
will I show grace...
will I pray...
will I love as best as I can...
will I go to chapel because I love my friends who are there, and because we meet Him together...
will I rise in the morning to meet Him, love Him, hear from Him...
will I be at every service that I am able to be at for the encouragement of HIS people...
will I set my heart to be holy and pure because He is holy and pure...
Not because I am a pastor intern.
Not because I will be a pastor someday (maybe!)
Not because I am a leader.
But because I am Christ's.
And though people think I 'have' to do things because of my vocation...it is imperative that I know WHY I do what I do. It is not to meet the expectations of others. It is not to meet the fantasized portfolio of a pastor or full time worker. It is because I am His...
And I know...that even if I don't do all that...He still loves me, and I will still go to heaven. :)
