Today, as I sat amongst the pastors in our staff meeting, something in my heart moved...was convicted, quietly.
There are things that are going to happen in the future. Some greatly magnificent, some greatly terrifying if we are not prepared.
As I hear Pastor Reynold speak, and we look at what is in store for CBC in the coming years, I am greatly excited, challenged, and in a way...intimidated. Are we ready? Can we make it? Looking at how we were before...will things be dramatically different?
If so, we must change dramatically too. Are we prepared as leaders? To step up a notch?
As I look around me, these men and women who have given their lives to the service of people out of their love for God and honoring their calling in life, they are simple people...we are simple people. Yet...we have a tremendously magnificent and great God! If He says go...shall we not dare? If He says come, shall we not dare?
And I see around me, men and women who will dare...because He says. Not by their abilities, not by their strength, but through His empowering, granted to us by grace, as we place our trust and faith in Him.
We are changing. Things are coming together in a new way. We are excited. There will be 'teething issues' to sort out as we get to know each other more dearly, yet...it is by consensus that we face it head on, clothed and 'armed' with love for each other.
Two things...
I am privileged to work with these men and women and to be loved and accepted by them.
There are great things to come.
There are great things to come.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Funerals
Attended another funeral today.
Often times I wonder if ever my heart will be hardened or dulled if I attend so many wake services, funerals. Will my heart be hardened till I no longer can cry? I mean, sometimes, I don't feel anything when hearing someone has died.
But when I see the sobbing wife, men trying to hold back tears, children blur blur...I am filled with a sense of grief...
I realize that the Bible doesn't say mourn for every person who dies, even if you do not know them. It tells us to mourn with those who mourn. We are to be by the side of those who are still living, who feel the lost.
This year, I am reminded of the 17 year old who died; of little Anna, who went home to Jesus after only a few days; husbands who die in their 40s & 50s leaving young families to fend on their own.
Sometimes, I go (to the funeral/wake) feeling numbed. I try to focus on my 'job'...the words I will say, the songs I will sing and play, remember to give the pak kam.
You cannot cry hysterically. You must be composed. Since I do not know the family, I cannot comfort with hugs or to put arms around the person. Instead, I feel like an intruder with no feelings.
And yet...when you see the sorrow of those who live...you feel.
Perhaps, He will not let my heart be hardened. In a way, it's a scary thing, to know that He will allow me to feel...pain and joy...I will feel. Perhaps it is also scary to know that I could easily stop feeling too. I guess the scary thing is that if you can feel great joy, you will also be able to feel deep grief. In the same manner, if we can feel immense sorrow, we can also experience exuberant joy.
Today, I watched as many cried and loss composure over Uncle Matthew Gan's demise. Pastor Mal says it's hard to say good bye. I agree. It moves me to see such grief and though you know that there is hope, we also know that there is great pain.
But there IS hope. There is.
Often times I wonder if ever my heart will be hardened or dulled if I attend so many wake services, funerals. Will my heart be hardened till I no longer can cry? I mean, sometimes, I don't feel anything when hearing someone has died.
But when I see the sobbing wife, men trying to hold back tears, children blur blur...I am filled with a sense of grief...
I realize that the Bible doesn't say mourn for every person who dies, even if you do not know them. It tells us to mourn with those who mourn. We are to be by the side of those who are still living, who feel the lost.
This year, I am reminded of the 17 year old who died; of little Anna, who went home to Jesus after only a few days; husbands who die in their 40s & 50s leaving young families to fend on their own.
Sometimes, I go (to the funeral/wake) feeling numbed. I try to focus on my 'job'...the words I will say, the songs I will sing and play, remember to give the pak kam.
You cannot cry hysterically. You must be composed. Since I do not know the family, I cannot comfort with hugs or to put arms around the person. Instead, I feel like an intruder with no feelings.
And yet...when you see the sorrow of those who live...you feel.
Perhaps, He will not let my heart be hardened. In a way, it's a scary thing, to know that He will allow me to feel...pain and joy...I will feel. Perhaps it is also scary to know that I could easily stop feeling too. I guess the scary thing is that if you can feel great joy, you will also be able to feel deep grief. In the same manner, if we can feel immense sorrow, we can also experience exuberant joy.
Today, I watched as many cried and loss composure over Uncle Matthew Gan's demise. Pastor Mal says it's hard to say good bye. I agree. It moves me to see such grief and though you know that there is hope, we also know that there is great pain.
But there IS hope. There is.
Causes & Funds
Sometimes, I just feel grrrr...
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
There are websites of many good ministries doing different things...good things. Sometimes, I get 'angry' because I think each ministry seems to be 'competing' to say that their ministry is more important. Sometimes, I get frustrated when it seems that each cause is trying to push their cause, to promote it...to 'cast their vision'.
Sometimes I think we have become so commercialized. By we, I mean Christian 'causes', 'ministries', 'missions'.
We promote our 'community projects', our 'missions', our 'causes' to 'get' people to give to it.
I know we do not do it for our own good or benefit. I know that deep down, and at the root of it, these are stemmed by love for God and wanting to make a change for justice, to help those who have no voice...etc.
I know there is nothing wrong. Yet...I dunno why...it just kills a part of me when I think we're just out to promote OUR ministries. I dunno. Forgive me God if I am judging. I really dunno if this is accuracy in discernment or is it just rebellion against 'causes'.
If it's not against Him, then, let it be. Is this, Lord, what should be the principle?
Maybe it frustrates me because...there are so many causes...and only one me...*cry cry cry* shows me how limited I am...and small...in comparison to the big problems this world faces.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
There are websites of many good ministries doing different things...good things. Sometimes, I get 'angry' because I think each ministry seems to be 'competing' to say that their ministry is more important. Sometimes, I get frustrated when it seems that each cause is trying to push their cause, to promote it...to 'cast their vision'.
Sometimes I think we have become so commercialized. By we, I mean Christian 'causes', 'ministries', 'missions'.
We promote our 'community projects', our 'missions', our 'causes' to 'get' people to give to it.
I know we do not do it for our own good or benefit. I know that deep down, and at the root of it, these are stemmed by love for God and wanting to make a change for justice, to help those who have no voice...etc.
I know there is nothing wrong. Yet...I dunno why...it just kills a part of me when I think we're just out to promote OUR ministries. I dunno. Forgive me God if I am judging. I really dunno if this is accuracy in discernment or is it just rebellion against 'causes'.
If it's not against Him, then, let it be. Is this, Lord, what should be the principle?
Maybe it frustrates me because...there are so many causes...and only one me...*cry cry cry* shows me how limited I am...and small...in comparison to the big problems this world faces.
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