Funerals

Attended another funeral today.

Often times I wonder if ever my heart will be hardened or dulled if I attend so many wake services, funerals. Will my heart be hardened till I no longer can cry? I mean, sometimes, I don't feel anything when hearing someone has died.

But when I see the sobbing wife, men trying to hold back tears, children blur blur...I am filled with a sense of grief...

I realize that the Bible doesn't say mourn for every person who dies, even if you do not know them. It tells us to mourn with those who mourn. We are to be by the side of those who are still living, who feel the lost.

This year, I am reminded of the 17 year old who died; of little Anna, who went home to Jesus after only a few days; husbands who die in their 40s & 50s leaving young families to fend on their own.

Sometimes, I go (to the funeral/wake) feeling numbed. I try to focus on my 'job'...the words I will say, the songs I will sing and play, remember to give the pak kam.

You cannot cry hysterically. You must be composed. Since I do not know the family, I cannot comfort with hugs or to put arms around the person. Instead, I feel like an intruder with no feelings.

And yet...when you see the sorrow of those who live...you feel.

Perhaps, He will not let my heart be hardened. In a way, it's a scary thing, to know that He will allow me to feel...pain and joy...I will feel. Perhaps it is also scary to know that I could easily stop feeling too. I guess the scary thing is that if you can feel great joy, you will also be able to feel deep grief. In the same manner, if we can feel immense sorrow, we can also experience exuberant joy.

Today, I watched as many cried and loss composure over Uncle Matthew Gan's demise. Pastor Mal says it's hard to say good bye. I agree. It moves me to see such grief and though you know that there is hope, we also know that there is great pain.

But there IS hope. There is.