Ministry Madness

Today has been depressing. Heard the burdens my pastor has been going through and I wish it were not such. So many things have gone on recently. We never see it while looking at people.

Yesterday, was invited to attend a prayer for a man who has cancer. The operation pretty much revealed that the cancer had spread so far, little could be done. Imagine having to be on epidural for 5 days! We were praying to know God's will and direction. This was difficult for me. Firstly because my mind is preoccupied. Second because I am not able to function well since I do not know the family or their background. Cautious about what I say, wondering if God has truly said something to me regarding them.

Keep telling myself to keep calm. Don't try so hard. I find that the word 'WORD' stands out. I feel that God says to trust in His promises. But the question is, do they know God's promises? I also felt there was something hindering me from hearing. Or something in the house that was just 'stopping' God's word from flowing. To walk step by step, they needed God's word to be a lamp unto their path. But I didn't speak it. Then, Pastor spoke it. I later shared with him what I sensed, and he said it was accurate. Now, to learn to recognize it more.

Today, we went for a house cleansing. Once again, I felt a heaviness, a suffocation kind of feeling. Just uncomfortable. Then, I felt cold...with my hair raised. The one who could see then said that when I was standing at that position, she kind of saw a moving image. So...I guess the hair standing on ends is not a figment of my imagination.

I find that pastoral ministry is starting to hit home as even more scary each day. Not the spiritual stuff actually. But how people look to you for direction. Imagine having to make the decision with a family as to whether chemo or cryo is the way to go. It is a person's life. How shall we as 'outsiders' help in making such a decision? Are we ready to be accountable?

What about whether you tell about spirits in the house? Do you describe it to the children?

What about altar calls? Do people pray what God says or do they pray what they think they should? Hoping that God will do as they prayed.

This is crazy. Crazy. And then...we need to count money, budget and plan next year's activities. I wonder if it is okay if we just use brains for this and no need to go on godly counsel and wisdom.

Can we EVER live rightly without God's counsel? Does EVERYTHING need to be approved by Him before it is considered good and valid?

If...IF la...IF God called me to pastoral ministry, I wonder if He would be willing to reconsider and call me somewhere else. Somewhere more sane. Somewhere with less implications on people's lives.

I find that here I am, totally bowled over by the responsibility of being involved in lives. To provide counsel and direction. Here I am being asked about whether I heard God say anything about what a man should do with his life, what treatment he should take, and his very life is at stake. I am asked of whether a career change is wise. I am asked if I can sense evil spirits. Has God revealed these things to me? If yes, what did He reveal?

The next question is...do I know whether it was God!

And I am held back by the thought of the consequence of speaking into another person's life. Compared to a friend of mine who does not even see the consequence of his lack of boundaries in a friendship. Here I am worried about how I may mislead people and yet people ask for counsel. There he is, irresponsibly living as he wishes and giving people counsel with authority.

The ministry is full of mad happenings. Perhaps a bit of insanity is good for life.

Chambers: What is that to thee?

"Lord, what shall this man do? . . What is that to thee? Follow thou Me." John 21:21,2

One of our severest lessons comes from the stubborn refusal to see that we must not interfere in other people's lives. It takes a long time to realize the danger of being an amateur providence, that is, interfering with God's order for others. You see a certain person suffering, and you say - He shall not suffer, and I will see that he does not. You put your hand straight in front of God's permissive will to prevent it, and God says - "What is that to thee?" If there is stagnation spiritually, never allow it to go on, but get into God's presence and find out the reason for it. Possibly you will find it is because you have been interfering in the life of another; proposing things you had no right to propose; advising when you had no right to advise. When you do have to give advice to another, God will advise through you with the direct understanding of His Spirit; your part is to be so rightly related to God that His discernment comes through you all the time for the blessing of another soul.

Most of us live on the borders of consciousness - consciously serving, consciously devoted to God. All this is immature, it is not the real life yet. The mature stage is the life of a child which is never conscious; we become so abandoned to God that the consciousness of being used never enters in. When we are consciously being used as broken bread and poured-out wine, there is another stage to be reached, where all consciousness of ourselves and of what God is doing through us is eliminated. A saint is never consciously a saint; a saint is consciously dependent on God.

November 15

Oswald Chambers: Shallow and Profound

"Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God." 1 Corinthians 10:31

Beware of allowing yourself to think that the shallow concerns of life are not ordained of God; they are as much of God as the profound. It is not your devotion to God that makes you refuse to be shallow, but your wish to impress other people with the fact that you are not shallow, which is a sure sign that you are a spiritual prig. Be careful of the production of contempt in yourself, it always comes along this line, and causes you to go about as a walking rebuke to other people because they are more shallow than you are. Beware of posing as a profound person; God became a Baby.

To be shallow is not a sign of being wicked, nor is shallowness a sign that there are no deeps: the ocean has a shore. The shallow amenities of life, eating and drinking, walking and talking, are all ordained by God. These are the things in which Our Lord lived. He lived in them as the Son of God, and He said that "the disciple is not above his Master."

Our safeguard is in the shallow things. We have to live the surface common-sense life in a common-sense way; when the deeper things come, God gives them to us apart from the shallow concerns. Never show the deeps to anyone but God. We are so abominably serious, so desperately interested in our own characters, that we refuse to behave like Christians in the shallow concerns of life.

Determinedly take no one seriously but God, and the first person you find you have to leave severely alone as being the greatest fraud you have ever known, is yourself.

22 November

Because I am Christ's...

One of the greatest struggles and frustrations I face ever since becoming a pastor intern is the expectations of me as a pastor.

Be at every service...prayer meeting...youth meeting...ministry outreach meeting...

Be on call for every last minute thing that is within my power to handle and takeover...

Be on my best behavior...polite...patient...calm...reasonable...smiley...no shouting...

Be more Christian than the 'average' Christian...show more grace, be kinder, be more teachable, be...

'Do this because you will be a pastor...'
'Be this because you will be a pastor...'
'You cannot act like that because you have a pastoral duty...'
'You cannot say that because you are seen as a pastor...'

At times I strike out at God and say 'If this is the case...then Lord, I don't want to be in this pastoral role. I don't want to be a pastor...intern.'

And then I hear in my heart a voice say 'Then do it because you are Christian.'

As I chat with Ching Li over these matters, she articulates it well. People seem to think that the godly principles of life applies only to pastors, leaders, ministers and that if they are 'normal congregational members' they need not live out the principles Christ teaches.

I acknowledge that in leadership there is a greater prominence. People notice the city on the hill. But it doesn't mean the city in the plains is excused from shining its light.

If I HAVE to be at every meeting, every service, because I am a church worker, then it means I live and do what I do because I am paid to. Which then brings into question my motives for praying, for serving, for worshiping. Maybe that's why we are paid little...so that there is an element to remind us that this is a sacrifice unto the Lord. :) LOL!

Jokes and humor aside...the tension between the two is fragile. And sometimes, it doesn't really matter why you attend a service...but it matters that you KNOW why you attend the service. It would be deceit to tell myself I am at a worship service because I love the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind and strength, when actually I am there because I have to be. I believe God understands. And somehow, when we are honest, He transforms our motives...He gives grace beyond what I can imagine.

Ching Li and I have a quip that we tell each other when we break the 'rules'.

'I overslept today...'
'I don't want to go to chapel...'
'I skipped the order of prayer...'
'I forgot to give thanks for the food...'

We pat each other on the back and say...'You'll still go to heaven...'

:) My value and destination in view of eternity is not dependent on how many chapel services I attend, how many classes I go for, how many times I give thanks for my food...

It is not dependent on how many hours I spend in prayer, on the tears I cry when I sing, on the time I spend reading His word, on the number of people I am patient with...

It is only dependent on what Jesus has done on the cross and whether I confess and believe with all that I am that He has died for my sins, and that He is risen, and that in Him I made new and set free to do what is right.

If it were based on my own merits, it wouldn't be grace.

But because I am Christ's, bought by His blood, redeemed by Him, loved lavishly by Him...then,

will I show grace...
will I pray...
will I love as best as I can...
will I go to chapel because I love my friends who are there, and because we meet Him together...
will I rise in the morning to meet Him, love Him, hear from Him...
will I be at every service that I am able to be at for the encouragement of HIS people...
will I set my heart to be holy and pure because He is holy and pure...

Not because I am a pastor intern.
Not because I will be a pastor someday (maybe!)
Not because I am a leader.

But because I am Christ's.

And though people think I 'have' to do things because of my vocation...it is imperative that I know WHY I do what I do. It is not to meet the expectations of others. It is not to meet the fantasized portfolio of a pastor or full time worker. It is because I am His...

And I know...that even if I don't do all that...He still loves me, and I will still go to heaven. :)