The beginning of December was quite busy for me as I traveled from PJ to KB and then back and then up to Gentings. I had anticipated that I would feel burnt when I reached Gentings. It did not particularly appeal to me as I really just wanted some time alone, to recuperate.
Getting me a room to myself for the first night was perhaps a wise decision made earlier by Iris. At first I thought it would be used for counselling purposes. But in the end, it was used for my own recuperating purposes so that when out with the youth, I would be more effective.
The first afternoon/evening, before the session began, I sat on the floor of the room, stared at the bible, and began to pour myself out to God. What in the world did He put me here for. For enthusiam and energy, the youth have Ivan to look up to. For direction and authority, they have Iris. For 'entertainment' they had Pastor Victor. What did they need me for?
I get up from the floor, and resolve to be useful to whomever, whenever. Here am I, Lord...what do You want me to do? Open my eyes to those You want me to touch, even if it's just one. It matters. I'll be there. Show me where to go, where to be.
After the first session, I think things go pretty smoothly, though I have my reservations about the speaker. I am minding my own business when suddenly the camp commandant urgently beckons me to come. Her tone worries me. And lo behold, the speaker is praying for one of our youth. After whispering something to her, he gets up and leaves and the 'floor' is left to me. The youth either expect me to say something or do something.
My heart breaks to hear her story.
Later on, another girl comes to talk to me. With her, I have a little less compassion. Some may think I am harsh sometimes, especially if you hear my tone. Those very experienced in counselling might be aghast at my choice of words and levelness. If you come to me for a pity party, you won't get it. I will tell to your face what I think you should do, take it or leave it. Whatever your choice, because I am your leader, I will still have to watch over you. But I am not going to pity you. I am not going to coax you gently out of it. I will declare to you who you are in Christ Jesus, and ask that your ears be closed to the devil's lies.
Later, I have a discussion with one of the leaders, whom I am trying to mentor very low profile-ly. It's a good discussion. I am surprised he opens up and shares his opinions.
First night over.
The second night...Pastor Victor invites the local leaders to minister to the youth, to 'welcome them home' with a hug. There are quite a few adult helpers around, so this is good. I look around to see if we miss anyone. I see my cousin. Sometimes, the most overlooked people are the leaders themselves. And often the musicians. I see a young adult needing a shoulder to lean on too. Later on, I see a young girl. She seems to avoid me, so I stay clear.
Later I decline to go for supper with my peers because I think I should 'be there'. I start to pack up my bag things and suddenly the girl who avoided me, barges into me, and starts to pour out her heart! Truthfully, I hardly understand what she is saying. After 1 and a half hours of wailing and crying, I learn to discern when and how to stop a counselling session.
Jojo muses that I have just been tested in all expects of pastoral care in one night.
The next night, again, another ministering time which local leaders are invited to help minister. This time we are asked to pray for them. God opened my eyes to see that He doesn't see the person, but He is God. He will come upon whom He wants, not because of the volume of the prayer or the experience of the one praying.
I also am challenged as to how to encourage my own cousin. Basically I try to tell him that no matter how great a leader you are in CF or in youth, you're still allowed to be my little cousin, whom I will take care of, and it's okay to be vulnerable for a moment. I remember him as more expressive when he was younger...but I guess they do grow up. And I recognize that though I am his cousin, I have yet to earn his trust as a friend and leader. And so, we'll build and see what happens. The next day, he gives me this aww shucks look. And I know he's okay.
Pastor prays for specific age group people, encouraging them with words of prophecy and exhortation. As I allow another girl to just lean on my shoulders, I pray that he will also encourage one of our leaders whom I feel people overlook and whom I dunno how to reach. God answers. Am glad.
Before the night ends, another young girl comes to me and asks if she can just have a chit chat with me. I start to wonder if God has engraved on my forehead 'I only look fierce, but am a softie'.
After our short heart to heart talk, the adult helpers suggest to go to McDs. Ivan drives. Sometimes, I think Ivan is like Kean Khang. He assumes the role of driver, no questions asked. In the car, the 3 guys do most of the talking. It's kind of nice not to have to make conversation. After a long day, it's just nice to be around people without having to speak.
By the end of the camp, I no longer ask why I was there. I also learn a valuable object lesson for my own life. God convicts me of my weakness and sin and reluctance to move forward. You cannot reach the mountain top if you are forever contemplating whether to take the first step.
Quite a lot of ice is broken with the youth too. Though I can't get in sync with them like Ivan does, or command them like Iris does, but as Pastor Reynold says, they need to know that you are there if they need you. So, there I'll be. (Faith Hill song?) With that 'chop' on my forehead.
I have much to learn and to equip myself in. The question was am I willing to. And if I have no passion for anything in particular, why do I not ask? There is also a pattern of heartbreak for me in camp. Of our youth and broken families. Whether it is cold silence, absent parents or even a straying spouse, many of these kids bear the brunt of it and don't have people to share with. You can't sing with all your heart 'Break my heart for what breaks Yours' and expect to come out unscathed.
I don't intend to be some hero either. The experience in camp showed me that I am inadequate. But I serve a more than adequate God. I am to seek Him with all I am, know His voice, and obey when He speaks. Never me, Always Him.
Youth Camp...my turning point. =)
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Saturday, November 22, 2008
VBS - Very Butt Spraining
=D
Hehe...it's TRUUUUUEEEE! Talk about a aching gluteus maximus. And I am so tired that I would say this surmounts to climbing Mt Kinabalu or exploring Gua Tempurung (extreme package).
Two days with kids is TIRING! Eyes are closing d...
I shall share with you the highlights of today:
1. Nithiya pulling my hand during lunch time saying, 'Teacher, pray for us before we eat'.
2. Juny grabbing my hand for security and comfort when the show at the Planetarium scared her.
3. Joel making funny faces with me despite me lecturing him a few times on his behavior.
4. Nithiya putting her arms around me.
5. Me scolding the kids on the mic to keep quiet and listen. I think I should reconcile myself to the fact that I will always be the headprefect, not tolerating disrespect and chaos.
6. Pastor Reynold's appearance in church after a week retreat in Lahat Datu.
7. Me catching an older boy lying about deliberately throwing rubbish on the floor of the bus, and showing my distaste for it. (Sean says I don't give face. It's getting truer and truer.)
8. Not being called auntie! haha!
I want to say that there is no loss (except for sleep and temper) in getting involved with kids. None at all. But I certainly cannot say that this is my cup of tea. I also think that it is perhaps the fact that it is not a natural thing for me that it takes me a day or two to warm up to them. Today, the faces that were most familiar were those who were most naughty, yet they are the ones who give the cheeky smiles and listen when scolded as though my words were to pull their ears.
Naughty, I can take, and I can love. Cocky...this I have an issue with and would rather stay far, far away.
I think that kids should have fun. I believe they should be allowed to run around and be crazy. I believe they should laugh and frolick. I believe they should be hugged and cuddled. I believe that many need kind words and building up.
But I also believe in discipline by being firm.
I just need to learn how to differentiate anger and frustration from being firm and in control. I still believe that something must be done to get attention and I do not think raising voice is the right way. I think I will get a whistle.
There is a time to play, and a time to learn, and a time to be still. I think we all want the same thing. It's just that the execution of the plan is interpreted differently.
Perhaps I am too much a discipline junkie. Not that I myself show great self discipline. But when in a group, I do respect rules and the leader in front, even though they do frustrate me sometimes. I remember telling Zury one time to STOP MUMBLING into the mic with his fake slang. After 3 times, still no one could get his announcement and just weren't listening anymore. If you aren't clear, there is no reason why people should listen to you.
Value their time. In the same way, we need to value the kids' time. And we need to acknowledge their right to BE kids.
I find that I cannot judge a 10 year old for being mischevious or dislike him for it. I also will not stop him from being cheeky. But I would teach him that he must not hurt others in the process and also that there is a proper time for all that cheekiness. I constantly remind myself that just because I am tired, it does not give me the right to lash out at a child no matter how naughty they are.
I also discover that a 10 year old can't really hold a grudge at you if you will humble yourself and admit you are wrong. I also discover that a child will listen to you if you do what you ask him to. We told all the kids to eat on the tarpoulin (spelling?) mat. But if we are all sitting on the carpet, ignoring them, we set a double standard. It is true that I probably will not spill my food on the carpet, but if I give him that rule, it makes a difference to him when I sit with him on the mat, even though we do not have anything to talk about (since he probably thinks I am an uptight teacher who's picking on him...). He later asked me a funny, random question about myself, which I appreciate as a peace offering.
It's the older ones I find hard to swallow. And it's pretty sad that those involved with the children ministry are all who seem to have a superiority complex, thinking themselves of more noble descent because they are hitting teens, in their teens, or can play a musical instrument. These are attitudes which I somehow hope will change in time without intervention...but I doubt it.
I find that our church youth are divided into two main groups. For the time being I will classify them as A and B:
A: Greater respect for parents, curfews, and people in authority. More humble than B. Easier to talk to, to teach. May not like but will look after kids with love. "You're okay but I prefer my clique" and "Are you trustworthy?"
B: Parents are more of older friends, allowance provider, driver. An air of superiority amongst them. Volunteer to help but more for attention purposes. "I'm better than you" and "You need to be at my level to be in my gang".
Something to that extent lah. But anyhow, this is just a observation as I spend more time with the 'OTHER' group in the youth.
Anyhow...VBS is a spring board for my observations. As I get to know some of the helpers, I also notice that first impressions can truly be deceiving. (This is why Kien should not make a conclusion of a girl based on one date! Haha!) A girl I thought to be extremely docile and mild mannered is actually VERY assertive and can be pretty demanding. You never really know people till you work with them.
I thank God for the opportunity to work with different people. I thank Him for exposing me to a different group of people in the church. I thank Him for letting me know them a bit more and perhaps the other way is true. They also know me better. Hidup Headprefect! Hahaha! I thank Him for the girls who were in my group. I thank Him for the observations. I thank Him for the wow-moments. Hearing the children sing 'This is my desire' loud loud was wow. I wonder how the Lord would have felt.
I ask that He show me where my concept of children and the ministry is wrong and flawed, especially with my lack of faith. I ask that He give me the courage to speak up about the things that are right and true too. And I ask for wisdom to know which is which.
Good night. My butt needs to rest. Hahahahahah!
Hehe...it's TRUUUUUEEEE! Talk about a aching gluteus maximus. And I am so tired that I would say this surmounts to climbing Mt Kinabalu or exploring Gua Tempurung (extreme package).
Two days with kids is TIRING! Eyes are closing d...
I shall share with you the highlights of today:
1. Nithiya pulling my hand during lunch time saying, 'Teacher, pray for us before we eat'.
2. Juny grabbing my hand for security and comfort when the show at the Planetarium scared her.
3. Joel making funny faces with me despite me lecturing him a few times on his behavior.
4. Nithiya putting her arms around me.
5. Me scolding the kids on the mic to keep quiet and listen. I think I should reconcile myself to the fact that I will always be the headprefect, not tolerating disrespect and chaos.
6. Pastor Reynold's appearance in church after a week retreat in Lahat Datu.
7. Me catching an older boy lying about deliberately throwing rubbish on the floor of the bus, and showing my distaste for it. (Sean says I don't give face. It's getting truer and truer.)
8. Not being called auntie! haha!
I want to say that there is no loss (except for sleep and temper) in getting involved with kids. None at all. But I certainly cannot say that this is my cup of tea. I also think that it is perhaps the fact that it is not a natural thing for me that it takes me a day or two to warm up to them. Today, the faces that were most familiar were those who were most naughty, yet they are the ones who give the cheeky smiles and listen when scolded as though my words were to pull their ears.
Naughty, I can take, and I can love. Cocky...this I have an issue with and would rather stay far, far away.
I think that kids should have fun. I believe they should be allowed to run around and be crazy. I believe they should laugh and frolick. I believe they should be hugged and cuddled. I believe that many need kind words and building up.
But I also believe in discipline by being firm.
I just need to learn how to differentiate anger and frustration from being firm and in control. I still believe that something must be done to get attention and I do not think raising voice is the right way. I think I will get a whistle.
There is a time to play, and a time to learn, and a time to be still. I think we all want the same thing. It's just that the execution of the plan is interpreted differently.
Perhaps I am too much a discipline junkie. Not that I myself show great self discipline. But when in a group, I do respect rules and the leader in front, even though they do frustrate me sometimes. I remember telling Zury one time to STOP MUMBLING into the mic with his fake slang. After 3 times, still no one could get his announcement and just weren't listening anymore. If you aren't clear, there is no reason why people should listen to you.
Value their time. In the same way, we need to value the kids' time. And we need to acknowledge their right to BE kids.
I find that I cannot judge a 10 year old for being mischevious or dislike him for it. I also will not stop him from being cheeky. But I would teach him that he must not hurt others in the process and also that there is a proper time for all that cheekiness. I constantly remind myself that just because I am tired, it does not give me the right to lash out at a child no matter how naughty they are.
I also discover that a 10 year old can't really hold a grudge at you if you will humble yourself and admit you are wrong. I also discover that a child will listen to you if you do what you ask him to. We told all the kids to eat on the tarpoulin (spelling?) mat. But if we are all sitting on the carpet, ignoring them, we set a double standard. It is true that I probably will not spill my food on the carpet, but if I give him that rule, it makes a difference to him when I sit with him on the mat, even though we do not have anything to talk about (since he probably thinks I am an uptight teacher who's picking on him...). He later asked me a funny, random question about myself, which I appreciate as a peace offering.
It's the older ones I find hard to swallow. And it's pretty sad that those involved with the children ministry are all who seem to have a superiority complex, thinking themselves of more noble descent because they are hitting teens, in their teens, or can play a musical instrument. These are attitudes which I somehow hope will change in time without intervention...but I doubt it.
I find that our church youth are divided into two main groups. For the time being I will classify them as A and B:
A: Greater respect for parents, curfews, and people in authority. More humble than B. Easier to talk to, to teach. May not like but will look after kids with love. "You're okay but I prefer my clique" and "Are you trustworthy?"
B: Parents are more of older friends, allowance provider, driver. An air of superiority amongst them. Volunteer to help but more for attention purposes. "I'm better than you" and "You need to be at my level to be in my gang".
Something to that extent lah. But anyhow, this is just a observation as I spend more time with the 'OTHER' group in the youth.
Anyhow...VBS is a spring board for my observations. As I get to know some of the helpers, I also notice that first impressions can truly be deceiving. (This is why Kien should not make a conclusion of a girl based on one date! Haha!) A girl I thought to be extremely docile and mild mannered is actually VERY assertive and can be pretty demanding. You never really know people till you work with them.
I thank God for the opportunity to work with different people. I thank Him for exposing me to a different group of people in the church. I thank Him for letting me know them a bit more and perhaps the other way is true. They also know me better. Hidup Headprefect! Hahaha! I thank Him for the girls who were in my group. I thank Him for the observations. I thank Him for the wow-moments. Hearing the children sing 'This is my desire' loud loud was wow. I wonder how the Lord would have felt.
I ask that He show me where my concept of children and the ministry is wrong and flawed, especially with my lack of faith. I ask that He give me the courage to speak up about the things that are right and true too. And I ask for wisdom to know which is which.
Good night. My butt needs to rest. Hahahahahah!
Friday, November 21, 2008
VBS - Very Busy Saturday
=)
VBS is actually Vacation Bible School. It's my first time being involved, so I am observing a lot.
I feel that much could be done to make it run more smoothly. Am also just wondering how Uncle Richard managed to entertain 50+ children for 7 days with Children's Holiday Club and how come we're just going to be so happy that it's over tomorrow, day 2.
Helpers
I wasn't very much involved in CHC since I was allergic to kids and kept my distance from Sunday School and Children Ministry. But I do remember people like Fern, Daniel, Jia Huey, Agnes, David, Michael Phoon, helping out...committed to help out.
We have many youth helpers but many of them seem to think they are above the rest (since they are now youth) and don't want to be involved with these 'little kids'. Not only do they not help, but some of these are so busy entertaining themselves and being 'privileged' that they actually cause the disruption in the activities. If your helpers aren't listening to you talk, fat chance your participants will.
However, I think Mi Lin is amazing with the kids! Totally salute her!
Organization
I think communication is again the downfall of this. Just take the living skills session. The person in charge asks me last minute if I would mind taking the session. I do. And I question how things are done. I ask her who is supposed to be in charge. She says she is, but she cannot co-ordinate all three age groups at the same time. Understandable. But it's not like you just found out that there are 3 age groups. So, who did you assign in the first place? She said the team leader. But she doubts he actually read the material.
I tell her that she cannot just assume such. It is not fair for the team leader to assume that he has not taken into consideration his responsibility. Has she asked him? She said that he is too busy and doesn't want to impose on him. By now she can see that I am not willing. I could, but am not willing to be the scapegoat. Let's put it this way, if there is a first time, there will be a second. I'd rather postpone my first time.
Later in the day, I am asked if I would be willing to share the gospel message with the children using a certain diagram. I think I am very blunt and many people will begin to see that I am not really that obliging. I smiled and said 'Nope.' I think he didn't know what hit him. 'WHY?' he asks. I say that I have no idea how to use the material and was not prepared. Surprisingly, he doesn't ask again. Maybe I am very clear about certain things that I will do and will not do.
I think what upsets me the most is how things are unorganized. Even in registration, if we are supposed to be at the registration desk at 7.30am, then the people in charge should be there too to instruct. Instead, we don't know who they are and when they arrive, still do not brief us on anything! Perhaps telepathy is the way to go these days? =)
Communication
This is what I was trying to say earlier too. I suppose if you want people to be able to work independently, you have to tell them what they are supposed to do, and where to get the supplies. Because I have not been around the past few days, I assume that I am the one in the dark only. But...it seems...no loh...I'm not very far off from everyone else.
I think this lack of communication is the 'scapegoat' for all especially when they can honestly 'I have no idea'. It's amazing how the helpers are supposed to help facilitate craft without fore knowledge of what the craft is and how to go about it. Perhaps this WAS communicated (but I was not informed) and just that the infomation was not retained...yet I doubt so.
My great heartache
My great heartache was to see children missing the point of singing, doing actions together, and to see them not get the point of the object lessons. My great heartache is seeing facilitators reading from script, big words about yoghurt and recycling and fermentation without the kids responding at all.
I am not sure if it's just me who thinks this way. I feel that telling kids to pray when most of them are not believers is skipping a step if we do not tell them WHY we pray and WHAT is prayer. I think that talking about worshipping God falls on rocky pathway if they aren't listening and if we are using adult songs to tell them 'This is my desire'. What is a redeemer? What is our soul?
I disagree with MANY things. But I do not proclaim to be an expert. I don't think we should tell kids about worshipping God on the first time we meet them when we can't even get them to sing a fun song with actions.
But these are all methods. And so, I do not want to argue with methodology. However, it would be good to review what we are doing with our target group of children. I think it is unfair to spend 10 minutes giving instructions in Mandarin when there are Indian and Myanmarese children who don't know what is going on when we speak in Mandarin. Even the HELPERS don't know what is going on!
If the kids don't want to come again, I can't blame them. When Joel didn't want to sit down in a group to join the activities, I can't blame him. I didn't like it, but I just can't blame him. I, as a helper, didn't know what was going on, and there was no obviousity of who was in charge. Even as a helper, I don't know who is my head!
So, my heartache is that the message is lost. The deeper meaning of everything that was prepared is lost.
Will there be a next time?
I remember thinking to myself that that would be the first and last time I am involved with VBS. Do I find joy in being around the kids? I have to say yes. Though I feel out of place and takes me time to warm up, I do want them to have a good time and to want to come back again next year. But I don't know, I somehow don't think VBS is my choice of ministry. On top of that, the sactuary smells of shoe after lunch.
I do not agree that they should eat lunch in the sanctuary for the reason of convenience. We make it a rule not to eat in a place of worship, yet, we contradict ourselves. I find internal struggles with this as I see the rationale, and I know God is not angry with letting us eat in the sacntuary. But it just isn't right.
I don't want to be involved next time because it's just too disheartening. And there is a fear that if I helped out more, there wouldn't be much of a change either. So, all this is just talk...is it?
I decide that tomorrow, I will try harder to be a better helper. I will try harder to make a difference in one or two kids' lives. That's as much as I could possibly ask and hope for.
VBS is actually Vacation Bible School. It's my first time being involved, so I am observing a lot.
I feel that much could be done to make it run more smoothly. Am also just wondering how Uncle Richard managed to entertain 50+ children for 7 days with Children's Holiday Club and how come we're just going to be so happy that it's over tomorrow, day 2.
Helpers
I wasn't very much involved in CHC since I was allergic to kids and kept my distance from Sunday School and Children Ministry. But I do remember people like Fern, Daniel, Jia Huey, Agnes, David, Michael Phoon, helping out...committed to help out.
We have many youth helpers but many of them seem to think they are above the rest (since they are now youth) and don't want to be involved with these 'little kids'. Not only do they not help, but some of these are so busy entertaining themselves and being 'privileged' that they actually cause the disruption in the activities. If your helpers aren't listening to you talk, fat chance your participants will.
However, I think Mi Lin is amazing with the kids! Totally salute her!
Organization
I think communication is again the downfall of this. Just take the living skills session. The person in charge asks me last minute if I would mind taking the session. I do. And I question how things are done. I ask her who is supposed to be in charge. She says she is, but she cannot co-ordinate all three age groups at the same time. Understandable. But it's not like you just found out that there are 3 age groups. So, who did you assign in the first place? She said the team leader. But she doubts he actually read the material.
I tell her that she cannot just assume such. It is not fair for the team leader to assume that he has not taken into consideration his responsibility. Has she asked him? She said that he is too busy and doesn't want to impose on him. By now she can see that I am not willing. I could, but am not willing to be the scapegoat. Let's put it this way, if there is a first time, there will be a second. I'd rather postpone my first time.
Later in the day, I am asked if I would be willing to share the gospel message with the children using a certain diagram. I think I am very blunt and many people will begin to see that I am not really that obliging. I smiled and said 'Nope.' I think he didn't know what hit him. 'WHY?' he asks. I say that I have no idea how to use the material and was not prepared. Surprisingly, he doesn't ask again. Maybe I am very clear about certain things that I will do and will not do.
I think what upsets me the most is how things are unorganized. Even in registration, if we are supposed to be at the registration desk at 7.30am, then the people in charge should be there too to instruct. Instead, we don't know who they are and when they arrive, still do not brief us on anything! Perhaps telepathy is the way to go these days? =)
Communication
This is what I was trying to say earlier too. I suppose if you want people to be able to work independently, you have to tell them what they are supposed to do, and where to get the supplies. Because I have not been around the past few days, I assume that I am the one in the dark only. But...it seems...no loh...I'm not very far off from everyone else.
I think this lack of communication is the 'scapegoat' for all especially when they can honestly 'I have no idea'. It's amazing how the helpers are supposed to help facilitate craft without fore knowledge of what the craft is and how to go about it. Perhaps this WAS communicated (but I was not informed) and just that the infomation was not retained...yet I doubt so.
My great heartache
My great heartache was to see children missing the point of singing, doing actions together, and to see them not get the point of the object lessons. My great heartache is seeing facilitators reading from script, big words about yoghurt and recycling and fermentation without the kids responding at all.
I am not sure if it's just me who thinks this way. I feel that telling kids to pray when most of them are not believers is skipping a step if we do not tell them WHY we pray and WHAT is prayer. I think that talking about worshipping God falls on rocky pathway if they aren't listening and if we are using adult songs to tell them 'This is my desire'. What is a redeemer? What is our soul?
I disagree with MANY things. But I do not proclaim to be an expert. I don't think we should tell kids about worshipping God on the first time we meet them when we can't even get them to sing a fun song with actions.
But these are all methods. And so, I do not want to argue with methodology. However, it would be good to review what we are doing with our target group of children. I think it is unfair to spend 10 minutes giving instructions in Mandarin when there are Indian and Myanmarese children who don't know what is going on when we speak in Mandarin. Even the HELPERS don't know what is going on!
If the kids don't want to come again, I can't blame them. When Joel didn't want to sit down in a group to join the activities, I can't blame him. I didn't like it, but I just can't blame him. I, as a helper, didn't know what was going on, and there was no obviousity of who was in charge. Even as a helper, I don't know who is my head!
So, my heartache is that the message is lost. The deeper meaning of everything that was prepared is lost.
Will there be a next time?
I remember thinking to myself that that would be the first and last time I am involved with VBS. Do I find joy in being around the kids? I have to say yes. Though I feel out of place and takes me time to warm up, I do want them to have a good time and to want to come back again next year. But I don't know, I somehow don't think VBS is my choice of ministry. On top of that, the sactuary smells of shoe after lunch.
I do not agree that they should eat lunch in the sanctuary for the reason of convenience. We make it a rule not to eat in a place of worship, yet, we contradict ourselves. I find internal struggles with this as I see the rationale, and I know God is not angry with letting us eat in the sacntuary. But it just isn't right.
I don't want to be involved next time because it's just too disheartening. And there is a fear that if I helped out more, there wouldn't be much of a change either. So, all this is just talk...is it?
I decide that tomorrow, I will try harder to be a better helper. I will try harder to make a difference in one or two kids' lives. That's as much as I could possibly ask and hope for.
Michall's leaving
Though for the past few months we haven't really been hanging out together much, but the times that we did, it was good. With Michall leaving back to Penang tomorrow, the heart's kind of heavy. I want to say again that life is so unfair...first Fern, then Michall.
I suppose you only realize how much a person has impacted your life when they are leaving. Yet, change is inevitable.
I sometimes wish I could do more to appreciate a person but everything fights for time. Perhaps it is compounded by the fact that I am inefficient and lazy most of the times. I still am trying to learn to curb this habit and if I may remind me, sluggardness is sin.
If I would use my brain and time more effectively, I could do much more bible studies, I could write more notes of appreciation and encouragement, I could make birthday cards, I could buy good gifts, I could exercise and I could blog.
Anyhow, Michall's leaving. It's starting to hit the heart pretty soon...perhaps because I've been anticipating this for the past 6 months or so. No more badminton. No movie kaki. No captain ball kaki. Less one CG member. If there was any of the CG members who felt the same way about CG as me, it would be Michall. And hence, I'm really gonna miss him. *sigh*
I suppose you only realize how much a person has impacted your life when they are leaving. Yet, change is inevitable.
I sometimes wish I could do more to appreciate a person but everything fights for time. Perhaps it is compounded by the fact that I am inefficient and lazy most of the times. I still am trying to learn to curb this habit and if I may remind me, sluggardness is sin.
If I would use my brain and time more effectively, I could do much more bible studies, I could write more notes of appreciation and encouragement, I could make birthday cards, I could buy good gifts, I could exercise and I could blog.
Anyhow, Michall's leaving. It's starting to hit the heart pretty soon...perhaps because I've been anticipating this for the past 6 months or so. No more badminton. No movie kaki. No captain ball kaki. Less one CG member. If there was any of the CG members who felt the same way about CG as me, it would be Michall. And hence, I'm really gonna miss him. *sigh*
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Life (and death) happens
Mama Lok Ku passed away at around midnight between Sunday and Monday.
I was dead tired (forgive the pun). When the phonecall came, and mum said in her calm voice that mama had passed on...nothing. Somehow, it wasn't surprising nor shocking news even at 12 midnight, half groggy. I just sat up, waiting for koko to come out of his shower so I could tell him too.
I realize that I have a certain 'cool-ness' about me, that nothing really frazzles me. However, though I try to climb back into bed, so many things run through my mind that I get up, turn on my laptop and start sending out emails to get people to cover me while I am away in Ipoh. It is 2am by the time I turn off the laptop and climb into bed to sleep again. 5 hours later, I climb out of bed and do the needful.
I remain composed throughout the 3 days of prayers and funeral service. The only time I realize that my mind is not all there is when I was calculating the 'pak kam' on the first night. We were missing some money. After awhile, I realize that the only thing missing is my brain...as I had counted 3 stacks of RM10 as RM30 and not RM300. Yes, it is such a dumb mistake you wonder if it even merits to be called a mistake. *pengsan*
I wondered that throughout the 3 days I didn't shed one tear. Was I immune? Was my heart hardened? My heart moved a bit when my aunts cried yet no tears. I tried to be there for my cousin when she went to look at grandma and started to sob. But dad's family is pretty reserved in affection and it was like putting my arms around a 'wall' that cannot respond to human touch.
And I realize now why I couldn't cry. There was no one to cry with.
This is a great relief because I really was afraid that I was made of stone. How can one go through a whole funeral and not cry one tear...especially when it's her grandmother? When Ah Kong died, cry till heart also ache. Dog die also cry until eyes bengkak.
Driving back from church just now, after checking on the VBS group, I reflected on my last visit to Mama. That was the first time in so many months that she recognized me without being prompted and when she said 'Oh...lu si Lissa'. She remembers every other grandchild but me (since she started to get senile and alzheimers). Yet that one time, she got it right. First time I ever got to talk so much with her and even pray for her. First time I ever saw her so happy to see ME.
I also know that my emotions work on delayed telecast. Her death has finally reached the heart. And it feels good to say wiht deepest sincerity that I am going to miss her. I started to miss her a long time ago, when she got sick, couldn't talk very much, and couldn't remember very much either.
If all that commotion in Ipoh was not enough, Mama Ah Kooi got admitted to hospital with suspected chronic cardiac failure. (I have yet to understand this terminology.) And since the doctors still cannot determine what's the matter, most probably, it is due to old age. I suppose you could say that it's like a ticking timebomb...all looks calm and smooth, but it might explode and we can't predict it.
And all this while, I was supposed to be preparing just in case Low Kong passes on too.
I don't know if it's humorous, but the ironicity of it is that I always joke that I have to pray hard that no one dies while Pastor Reynold is away. And then my own grandma passes away and another gets admitted.
Life happens. You face it. It's bearable. With God. It's doable. With friends & family.
I understand now the value of an SMS despite it containing 'cliche' words like 'deepest condolences' and 'our sympathies'. Sometimes, it's not the words in the SMS but the name of the person who sent it. It pretty much is synonym to 'You cared'.
I understand now how much it means when friends attend a funeral of our loved ones. They don't have to. But when they are there, it just means you're in it together. When See Ee and See Teow and Mak Ee appeared, it was like fresh wind! People come all the way to mourn with those who mourn. It's wow. And even though dad's colleagues are seen as 'chor tai tee' kakis...they stayed from day one till the burial. They didn't have to. But they did.
This makes me realize that if ever my friends' lose someone dear to them, no matter how mafan it is, it's good just to go. Even if it seems kekok...it's okay, it's just good to go and be there.
I miss grandma. But I'm also grateful that her suffering is over. She loved the song 'How great Thou art'. We sang that.
Mama, mama...
I'm gonna miss you
Miss your presence, your cooking...and I've missed your ba-hoo
You never liked fish, and we never knew
Because you'd just smile and eat it, with a quiet 'thank you'
Somehow, for our sakes, you'd finish the fish head we served you
You used to feed us, as we cycled on our bikes
And patiently fed us, even food you knew we disliked!
You never forgot our birthdays, and in our successes, took delight
And angpows came whenever we did well or just alright
That tin of muruku you get each new year
You'd keep giving to me even when it was meant to bring you cheer
You said it's cause I liked it, and reserved it for me every year
And though it's silly, it's this thought that brings the tears
Grandma, I miss you... a lot.
I was dead tired (forgive the pun). When the phonecall came, and mum said in her calm voice that mama had passed on...nothing. Somehow, it wasn't surprising nor shocking news even at 12 midnight, half groggy. I just sat up, waiting for koko to come out of his shower so I could tell him too.
I realize that I have a certain 'cool-ness' about me, that nothing really frazzles me. However, though I try to climb back into bed, so many things run through my mind that I get up, turn on my laptop and start sending out emails to get people to cover me while I am away in Ipoh. It is 2am by the time I turn off the laptop and climb into bed to sleep again. 5 hours later, I climb out of bed and do the needful.
I remain composed throughout the 3 days of prayers and funeral service. The only time I realize that my mind is not all there is when I was calculating the 'pak kam' on the first night. We were missing some money. After awhile, I realize that the only thing missing is my brain...as I had counted 3 stacks of RM10 as RM30 and not RM300. Yes, it is such a dumb mistake you wonder if it even merits to be called a mistake. *pengsan*
I wondered that throughout the 3 days I didn't shed one tear. Was I immune? Was my heart hardened? My heart moved a bit when my aunts cried yet no tears. I tried to be there for my cousin when she went to look at grandma and started to sob. But dad's family is pretty reserved in affection and it was like putting my arms around a 'wall' that cannot respond to human touch.
And I realize now why I couldn't cry. There was no one to cry with.
This is a great relief because I really was afraid that I was made of stone. How can one go through a whole funeral and not cry one tear...especially when it's her grandmother? When Ah Kong died, cry till heart also ache. Dog die also cry until eyes bengkak.
Driving back from church just now, after checking on the VBS group, I reflected on my last visit to Mama. That was the first time in so many months that she recognized me without being prompted and when she said 'Oh...lu si Lissa'. She remembers every other grandchild but me (since she started to get senile and alzheimers). Yet that one time, she got it right. First time I ever got to talk so much with her and even pray for her. First time I ever saw her so happy to see ME.
I also know that my emotions work on delayed telecast. Her death has finally reached the heart. And it feels good to say wiht deepest sincerity that I am going to miss her. I started to miss her a long time ago, when she got sick, couldn't talk very much, and couldn't remember very much either.
If all that commotion in Ipoh was not enough, Mama Ah Kooi got admitted to hospital with suspected chronic cardiac failure. (I have yet to understand this terminology.) And since the doctors still cannot determine what's the matter, most probably, it is due to old age. I suppose you could say that it's like a ticking timebomb...all looks calm and smooth, but it might explode and we can't predict it.
And all this while, I was supposed to be preparing just in case Low Kong passes on too.
I don't know if it's humorous, but the ironicity of it is that I always joke that I have to pray hard that no one dies while Pastor Reynold is away. And then my own grandma passes away and another gets admitted.
Life happens. You face it. It's bearable. With God. It's doable. With friends & family.
I understand now the value of an SMS despite it containing 'cliche' words like 'deepest condolences' and 'our sympathies'. Sometimes, it's not the words in the SMS but the name of the person who sent it. It pretty much is synonym to 'You cared'.
I understand now how much it means when friends attend a funeral of our loved ones. They don't have to. But when they are there, it just means you're in it together. When See Ee and See Teow and Mak Ee appeared, it was like fresh wind! People come all the way to mourn with those who mourn. It's wow. And even though dad's colleagues are seen as 'chor tai tee' kakis...they stayed from day one till the burial. They didn't have to. But they did.
This makes me realize that if ever my friends' lose someone dear to them, no matter how mafan it is, it's good just to go. Even if it seems kekok...it's okay, it's just good to go and be there.
I miss grandma. But I'm also grateful that her suffering is over. She loved the song 'How great Thou art'. We sang that.
Mama, mama...
I'm gonna miss you
Miss your presence, your cooking...and I've missed your ba-hoo
You never liked fish, and we never knew
Because you'd just smile and eat it, with a quiet 'thank you'
Somehow, for our sakes, you'd finish the fish head we served you
You used to feed us, as we cycled on our bikes
And patiently fed us, even food you knew we disliked!
You never forgot our birthdays, and in our successes, took delight
And angpows came whenever we did well or just alright
That tin of muruku you get each new year
You'd keep giving to me even when it was meant to bring you cheer
You said it's cause I liked it, and reserved it for me every year
And though it's silly, it's this thought that brings the tears
Grandma, I miss you... a lot.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Reverting to & honoring original commitments
Grandma in Ipoh is sick. The message we got was that she was deathly ill and we were advised to go see her as soon as possible.
This was an interesting predicament. Not only is Sunday my sure-must-work day, it was also the day for the SG direction meeting, and I had promised to standby for Crystal to play keyboard and was supposed to play keyboard for the BM service.
It made me choose to prioritize. Work or family? I chose what I believe God would want me to choose, and that was to go back and visit grandma, if only for the last time. The SG meeting didn't need me. The BM service would find a keyboardist. But I only have one paternal grandma.
After removing myself from all the promises and responsibilities, dad SMSes me to say that there was no need to rush because we would leave at 4pm. This meant, I could standby for Crystal, and attend the SG meeting for at least 2 hours.
I had a choice though...I could have disappeared, and excuse myself early from church. But God has taught me to make right decisions to honor previous commitments and to bring honor to Him. So, I went for the meeting. Halfway through, dad SMSed again to say that we weren't going back to Ipoh because mum found out that it really wasn't as bad as they said.
This meant, I could play for the BM service.
Sometimes, when I think of it, I just wonder why I don't take the advantage and just disappear, take a break since I was already originally excused from these responsibilities. I could go home and sleep and no one would know the better. Or so I would think...
Playing for the BM service was a joy. I was pleasantly surprised that Jojo was willing to help play with me. And it proved to be so good! I enjoy playing with a guitarist strumming. It was good. Even Li Ching said it was God's providence! Ya, playing for the BM service was a joy.
But I was also tired, and after the worship, that's when my perseverance gave in. I just didn't want to do the 'right' thing of staying to listen to another sermon. I know that if I do, He will speak and I will hear something. But I was just so tired of doing what I was not prepared to do. I decided, I would excuse myself. So I did. After some moments of solitude in the sanctuary, I went home, an hour earlier than scheduled.
As the day closes, I know that I have done the right things, in honoring original commitments. It has come to a point where there is no need to question what is the right thing to do. Technically, there isn't a wrong thing. But what I mean by 'right' thing is that the thing that would preserve integrity, making one a person of their word, and I believe bringing God pleasure in the obedience.
Perhaps the Egypt issue really has helped a lot. Having said that, in the past, I would have done the same lah. Just that I think these times, I am more conscious of my actions and decisions.
One can plan the day and change all the plans made originally to do what is important and urgent. But when things get topsy turvy, what do we do? By default, I think I am 'programmed' to revert to original commitments unless some very good alternative plans had been made to overcome the sudden ad hoc changes.
The Lord's name be praised for the lesson I learnt and am still learning.
This was an interesting predicament. Not only is Sunday my sure-must-work day, it was also the day for the SG direction meeting, and I had promised to standby for Crystal to play keyboard and was supposed to play keyboard for the BM service.
It made me choose to prioritize. Work or family? I chose what I believe God would want me to choose, and that was to go back and visit grandma, if only for the last time. The SG meeting didn't need me. The BM service would find a keyboardist. But I only have one paternal grandma.
After removing myself from all the promises and responsibilities, dad SMSes me to say that there was no need to rush because we would leave at 4pm. This meant, I could standby for Crystal, and attend the SG meeting for at least 2 hours.
I had a choice though...I could have disappeared, and excuse myself early from church. But God has taught me to make right decisions to honor previous commitments and to bring honor to Him. So, I went for the meeting. Halfway through, dad SMSed again to say that we weren't going back to Ipoh because mum found out that it really wasn't as bad as they said.
This meant, I could play for the BM service.
Sometimes, when I think of it, I just wonder why I don't take the advantage and just disappear, take a break since I was already originally excused from these responsibilities. I could go home and sleep and no one would know the better. Or so I would think...
Playing for the BM service was a joy. I was pleasantly surprised that Jojo was willing to help play with me. And it proved to be so good! I enjoy playing with a guitarist strumming. It was good. Even Li Ching said it was God's providence! Ya, playing for the BM service was a joy.
But I was also tired, and after the worship, that's when my perseverance gave in. I just didn't want to do the 'right' thing of staying to listen to another sermon. I know that if I do, He will speak and I will hear something. But I was just so tired of doing what I was not prepared to do. I decided, I would excuse myself. So I did. After some moments of solitude in the sanctuary, I went home, an hour earlier than scheduled.
As the day closes, I know that I have done the right things, in honoring original commitments. It has come to a point where there is no need to question what is the right thing to do. Technically, there isn't a wrong thing. But what I mean by 'right' thing is that the thing that would preserve integrity, making one a person of their word, and I believe bringing God pleasure in the obedience.
Perhaps the Egypt issue really has helped a lot. Having said that, in the past, I would have done the same lah. Just that I think these times, I am more conscious of my actions and decisions.
One can plan the day and change all the plans made originally to do what is important and urgent. But when things get topsy turvy, what do we do? By default, I think I am 'programmed' to revert to original commitments unless some very good alternative plans had been made to overcome the sudden ad hoc changes.
The Lord's name be praised for the lesson I learnt and am still learning.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Giving up Egypt
As impulsively as I made the decision to go was the decision not to go made for me.
Making impulsive decisions make me feel alive. Not that I am dead. But doing something without stringent planning, without excessive detailing and deliberating is liberating. I thought I'd be going to Egypt. Instead, due to previous commitments, I let go of what I thought was an opportunity of a lifetime.
In having let go, and struggling to do so, of that desire to go, I find that I have been making pretty good decisions of late. Funny. A bit of self control seems to have returned. This is a good sign. Because I really thought I was losing it and indulging myself a bit too much, giving in to my whims and fancies.
I didn't go to Egypt because the alternative travel dates, even though it was an extended trip at no extra cost, with a really good travel partner, would end on a day that I had committed to attend a seminar.
Now, the thing was that the seminar is not life and death. And I could have asked for a change of dates but I remembered when I was making the impulsive decision, that I told myself: If the travel dates clash with something I had committed to, then I will not go, because I will honor that which came to my attention first since a holiday is not of gravest importance.
With the change of travel dates (because the original tour was canceled), it actually overlapped this Keys to Transformation seminar at Elijah House. Having said all that, originally, I had in my diary the wrong dates for the Global Leadership Summit. Cutting a long story short, I believe that God was trying to teach me a lesson on honoring promises, commitments, and people. Perhaps He was also leading me towards a lesson on honoring good decisions and principals that I had laid for myself too.
I wrote an email to some of the people I update regularly, and I said that I know He has something better in store for me since I was not able to go to Egypt and was terribly disappointed.
As I thought about this, does it mean that God OWES me something better for taking away my 'MSc Reward'? Should I even expect that I will get something BETTER? What is this better thing? A date with the guy I like? A celebration/appreciation party? A life changing situation? Or get the desire of my heart? Or was I going to lead someone to Christ? Was it something I can show off to people? What? What is 'better'?
God doesn't owe me anything.
If anything, I should be thanking Him for helping me keep my promises, eventhough it was done begrudgingly. If anything, I should be grateful that I have been counted worthy to be chastened by Him.
In giving up Egypt, I'd like to think that I built up my integrity, or at least preserved it. I'd like to think that I deserve to be praised and that my 'BIG SACRIFICE' be acknowledged by ALL. =)
Truth be told, He saved me from destroying myself.
And in the process of receiving His mercy, He gave me the opportunity to learn from faithful men and women at the Global Leadership Summit. He gave me the opportunity to try out some health protein drink which I think is really helping my inner organs function better, and in the long run may be the answer to my long time prayer. He kept me at my word to start the bible study group with 3 very excellent young people whom He put in my heart to 'be there' for. He also let me meet Pastor Moses Soo to let me hear for myself what's happening in the OA ministry.
He also put me in a situation where I vented my frustrations and lost my self control. This showed me that there is an area that I need, and He wants, to deal with.
He also let me have some time with someone to realize that I can be myself and not be bothered what another person thinks of me. He also gave me the opportunity to talk to some of my school friends and make the decision to go to TWO weddings this year, and settled all the travel arrangements.
All these things to console me for not going to Egypt...even when I didn't deserve it.
As Sean says, Egypt will always be there. This is so true. And now that the moment is over, whehter I go or not, was not a great loss.
This is the lesson I realized that I learnt. The first time I noticed it was when I wanted to buy 2 new CDs from Salvation, when actually all I was supposed to get was a gift for Iris. I had already bought a CD from Canaanland but I WANTED these two albums too. I WANTED them! Why should I NOT have them? I want! I have the money! I want!
This was when I recognized my own voice compared to His. I carried the CD around in my hands in the shop and was about to pay when I finally put a foot down and said 'No, you didn't come in for this. And you didn't budget for this either. You have a new double CD already. What you are doing is plain greed, coveteousness, and lack of self control.'
I walked out of the shop, into the next and bought Iris' gift. I thought of getting myself a book too. Again, I have a zillion books to read. What makes me think I will read this one TODAY that I should buy it TODAY?
Then, tonight, as I went to Isetan with Yun Fern, I saw so many things that I wanted. So many nice, feminine shirts. SO many! Then, I also gatal go and try blouse on...wow! It was so flattering! And it met all the 'criteria' of a decent, modest, feminine, formal/semi formal baju. And it made me look GOOD! I WANT! With some heaviness, I put it back. It was not budgeted. I didn't NEED it. And it may not be a good investment to pay the full price especially when Christmas sales are just around the corner. On top of that, I'm going to Singapore in a few weeks, so, why not wait till then?
Because I want it NOW! And why SHOULDN'T I have it NOW?
As I drove home, I realized that I really didn't NEED it. And I had plenty of other clothes that look good too.
Invest in what is important and irreplaceable. This is the enforcing lesson I've learnt. Egypt will always be there...but my friend marries only once. By not going to Egypt, I can afford to go to Singapore for a wedding. By not going to Egypt, I have a testimony to share, and so much I have learnt to help me in ministry and more so in my walk with Christ.
Recognizing His still, small voice from my loud, demanding, impatient one, is in itself an invaluable lesson.
Giving up Egypt to hear His voice...now THAT's the BETTER thing!
And though it is not measurable, =) it doesn't matter. I know, He know...we both know. Enough already. =)
Making impulsive decisions make me feel alive. Not that I am dead. But doing something without stringent planning, without excessive detailing and deliberating is liberating. I thought I'd be going to Egypt. Instead, due to previous commitments, I let go of what I thought was an opportunity of a lifetime.
In having let go, and struggling to do so, of that desire to go, I find that I have been making pretty good decisions of late. Funny. A bit of self control seems to have returned. This is a good sign. Because I really thought I was losing it and indulging myself a bit too much, giving in to my whims and fancies.
I didn't go to Egypt because the alternative travel dates, even though it was an extended trip at no extra cost, with a really good travel partner, would end on a day that I had committed to attend a seminar.
Now, the thing was that the seminar is not life and death. And I could have asked for a change of dates but I remembered when I was making the impulsive decision, that I told myself: If the travel dates clash with something I had committed to, then I will not go, because I will honor that which came to my attention first since a holiday is not of gravest importance.
With the change of travel dates (because the original tour was canceled), it actually overlapped this Keys to Transformation seminar at Elijah House. Having said all that, originally, I had in my diary the wrong dates for the Global Leadership Summit. Cutting a long story short, I believe that God was trying to teach me a lesson on honoring promises, commitments, and people. Perhaps He was also leading me towards a lesson on honoring good decisions and principals that I had laid for myself too.
I wrote an email to some of the people I update regularly, and I said that I know He has something better in store for me since I was not able to go to Egypt and was terribly disappointed.
As I thought about this, does it mean that God OWES me something better for taking away my 'MSc Reward'? Should I even expect that I will get something BETTER? What is this better thing? A date with the guy I like? A celebration/appreciation party? A life changing situation? Or get the desire of my heart? Or was I going to lead someone to Christ? Was it something I can show off to people? What? What is 'better'?
God doesn't owe me anything.
If anything, I should be thanking Him for helping me keep my promises, eventhough it was done begrudgingly. If anything, I should be grateful that I have been counted worthy to be chastened by Him.
In giving up Egypt, I'd like to think that I built up my integrity, or at least preserved it. I'd like to think that I deserve to be praised and that my 'BIG SACRIFICE' be acknowledged by ALL. =)
Truth be told, He saved me from destroying myself.
And in the process of receiving His mercy, He gave me the opportunity to learn from faithful men and women at the Global Leadership Summit. He gave me the opportunity to try out some health protein drink which I think is really helping my inner organs function better, and in the long run may be the answer to my long time prayer. He kept me at my word to start the bible study group with 3 very excellent young people whom He put in my heart to 'be there' for. He also let me meet Pastor Moses Soo to let me hear for myself what's happening in the OA ministry.
He also put me in a situation where I vented my frustrations and lost my self control. This showed me that there is an area that I need, and He wants, to deal with.
He also let me have some time with someone to realize that I can be myself and not be bothered what another person thinks of me. He also gave me the opportunity to talk to some of my school friends and make the decision to go to TWO weddings this year, and settled all the travel arrangements.
All these things to console me for not going to Egypt...even when I didn't deserve it.
As Sean says, Egypt will always be there. This is so true. And now that the moment is over, whehter I go or not, was not a great loss.
This is the lesson I realized that I learnt. The first time I noticed it was when I wanted to buy 2 new CDs from Salvation, when actually all I was supposed to get was a gift for Iris. I had already bought a CD from Canaanland but I WANTED these two albums too. I WANTED them! Why should I NOT have them? I want! I have the money! I want!
This was when I recognized my own voice compared to His. I carried the CD around in my hands in the shop and was about to pay when I finally put a foot down and said 'No, you didn't come in for this. And you didn't budget for this either. You have a new double CD already. What you are doing is plain greed, coveteousness, and lack of self control.'
I walked out of the shop, into the next and bought Iris' gift. I thought of getting myself a book too. Again, I have a zillion books to read. What makes me think I will read this one TODAY that I should buy it TODAY?
Then, tonight, as I went to Isetan with Yun Fern, I saw so many things that I wanted. So many nice, feminine shirts. SO many! Then, I also gatal go and try blouse on...wow! It was so flattering! And it met all the 'criteria' of a decent, modest, feminine, formal/semi formal baju. And it made me look GOOD! I WANT! With some heaviness, I put it back. It was not budgeted. I didn't NEED it. And it may not be a good investment to pay the full price especially when Christmas sales are just around the corner. On top of that, I'm going to Singapore in a few weeks, so, why not wait till then?
Because I want it NOW! And why SHOULDN'T I have it NOW?
As I drove home, I realized that I really didn't NEED it. And I had plenty of other clothes that look good too.
Invest in what is important and irreplaceable. This is the enforcing lesson I've learnt. Egypt will always be there...but my friend marries only once. By not going to Egypt, I can afford to go to Singapore for a wedding. By not going to Egypt, I have a testimony to share, and so much I have learnt to help me in ministry and more so in my walk with Christ.
Recognizing His still, small voice from my loud, demanding, impatient one, is in itself an invaluable lesson.
Giving up Egypt to hear His voice...now THAT's the BETTER thing!
And though it is not measurable, =) it doesn't matter. I know, He know...we both know. Enough already. =)
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Winning one at a time...
I still can't get over the fact that I have returned time and time again to blogging. I use to think I need it. But I realize I don't. And by blogging, I know that I expose myself to critique, to people knowing my thoughts (well, some of them), and goodness knows what else. But I think if I don't write enough, I will soon lose the ability to construct my thoughts into deliverable packages to chew on. This would be bad since one of my passions is to make things understandable to the layman and to communicate profound ideas in a simplistic manner.
Also, I think I need to write to expand my vocabulary. =)
Today's title is 'Winning one at a time'. In terms of efficiency, this would really get a person down. =) But in terms of getting to know a person, there is no better way, I think. As I look around me, there are so many faces I do not yet know. There are so many lives but have yet to have the opportunity get to know them.
In the past, I had been trying to 'target' whom to get to know, putting a lot of effort in taking initiatives, inviting them out, or even emailing. I've learnt that sometimes, you meet with a wall. No matter how hard you try, the wall remains. Cold, emotionless, unapproachable. Perhaps 'wall' should be replaced with 'fortress'.
(At Elijah House, in a seminar, it was shared that MOST of the times, the man is at fault for a marriage breakdown. He builds a fortress so well protected that the woman cannot get to his heart, and that is all that she wants to do. After awhile, she gives up, and then he realizes she's gone and it's too late.)
So, fortress is the right word to use, I think. For some lah.
So, I have learnt my lesson. In building relationships, if I meet with a fortress, unless I really HAVE to, it won't be my priority to get through it. Instead, I will turn my attention and energy towards those who are open and ready to be known. Don't waste my time. (Gosh, I can sound pretty harsh...but those who know me...well, they know.)
I've looked around and I think there are just so many to know. I've been bias towards a few because they were 'popular'. Lord, forgive me. Open my eyes to see what You see and touch those You want to touch now.
Also, I think I need to write to expand my vocabulary. =)
Today's title is 'Winning one at a time'. In terms of efficiency, this would really get a person down. =) But in terms of getting to know a person, there is no better way, I think. As I look around me, there are so many faces I do not yet know. There are so many lives but have yet to have the opportunity get to know them.
In the past, I had been trying to 'target' whom to get to know, putting a lot of effort in taking initiatives, inviting them out, or even emailing. I've learnt that sometimes, you meet with a wall. No matter how hard you try, the wall remains. Cold, emotionless, unapproachable. Perhaps 'wall' should be replaced with 'fortress'.
(At Elijah House, in a seminar, it was shared that MOST of the times, the man is at fault for a marriage breakdown. He builds a fortress so well protected that the woman cannot get to his heart, and that is all that she wants to do. After awhile, she gives up, and then he realizes she's gone and it's too late.)
So, fortress is the right word to use, I think. For some lah.
So, I have learnt my lesson. In building relationships, if I meet with a fortress, unless I really HAVE to, it won't be my priority to get through it. Instead, I will turn my attention and energy towards those who are open and ready to be known. Don't waste my time. (Gosh, I can sound pretty harsh...but those who know me...well, they know.)
I've looked around and I think there are just so many to know. I've been bias towards a few because they were 'popular'. Lord, forgive me. Open my eyes to see what You see and touch those You want to touch now.
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