Youth Camp

The beginning of December was quite busy for me as I traveled from PJ to KB and then back and then up to Gentings. I had anticipated that I would feel burnt when I reached Gentings. It did not particularly appeal to me as I really just wanted some time alone, to recuperate.

Getting me a room to myself for the first night was perhaps a wise decision made earlier by Iris. At first I thought it would be used for counselling purposes. But in the end, it was used for my own recuperating purposes so that when out with the youth, I would be more effective.

The first afternoon/evening, before the session began, I sat on the floor of the room, stared at the bible, and began to pour myself out to God. What in the world did He put me here for. For enthusiam and energy, the youth have Ivan to look up to. For direction and authority, they have Iris. For 'entertainment' they had Pastor Victor. What did they need me for?

I get up from the floor, and resolve to be useful to whomever, whenever. Here am I, Lord...what do You want me to do? Open my eyes to those You want me to touch, even if it's just one. It matters. I'll be there. Show me where to go, where to be.

After the first session, I think things go pretty smoothly, though I have my reservations about the speaker. I am minding my own business when suddenly the camp commandant urgently beckons me to come. Her tone worries me. And lo behold, the speaker is praying for one of our youth. After whispering something to her, he gets up and leaves and the 'floor' is left to me. The youth either expect me to say something or do something.

My heart breaks to hear her story.

Later on, another girl comes to talk to me. With her, I have a little less compassion. Some may think I am harsh sometimes, especially if you hear my tone. Those very experienced in counselling might be aghast at my choice of words and levelness. If you come to me for a pity party, you won't get it. I will tell to your face what I think you should do, take it or leave it. Whatever your choice, because I am your leader, I will still have to watch over you. But I am not going to pity you. I am not going to coax you gently out of it. I will declare to you who you are in Christ Jesus, and ask that your ears be closed to the devil's lies.

Later, I have a discussion with one of the leaders, whom I am trying to mentor very low profile-ly. It's a good discussion. I am surprised he opens up and shares his opinions.

First night over.

The second night...Pastor Victor invites the local leaders to minister to the youth, to 'welcome them home' with a hug. There are quite a few adult helpers around, so this is good. I look around to see if we miss anyone. I see my cousin. Sometimes, the most overlooked people are the leaders themselves. And often the musicians. I see a young adult needing a shoulder to lean on too. Later on, I see a young girl. She seems to avoid me, so I stay clear.

Later I decline to go for supper with my peers because I think I should 'be there'. I start to pack up my bag things and suddenly the girl who avoided me, barges into me, and starts to pour out her heart! Truthfully, I hardly understand what she is saying. After 1 and a half hours of wailing and crying, I learn to discern when and how to stop a counselling session.

Jojo muses that I have just been tested in all expects of pastoral care in one night.

The next night, again, another ministering time which local leaders are invited to help minister. This time we are asked to pray for them. God opened my eyes to see that He doesn't see the person, but He is God. He will come upon whom He wants, not because of the volume of the prayer or the experience of the one praying.

I also am challenged as to how to encourage my own cousin. Basically I try to tell him that no matter how great a leader you are in CF or in youth, you're still allowed to be my little cousin, whom I will take care of, and it's okay to be vulnerable for a moment. I remember him as more expressive when he was younger...but I guess they do grow up. And I recognize that though I am his cousin, I have yet to earn his trust as a friend and leader. And so, we'll build and see what happens. The next day, he gives me this aww shucks look. And I know he's okay.

Pastor prays for specific age group people, encouraging them with words of prophecy and exhortation. As I allow another girl to just lean on my shoulders, I pray that he will also encourage one of our leaders whom I feel people overlook and whom I dunno how to reach. God answers. Am glad.

Before the night ends, another young girl comes to me and asks if she can just have a chit chat with me. I start to wonder if God has engraved on my forehead 'I only look fierce, but am a softie'.

After our short heart to heart talk, the adult helpers suggest to go to McDs. Ivan drives. Sometimes, I think Ivan is like Kean Khang. He assumes the role of driver, no questions asked. In the car, the 3 guys do most of the talking. It's kind of nice not to have to make conversation. After a long day, it's just nice to be around people without having to speak.

By the end of the camp, I no longer ask why I was there. I also learn a valuable object lesson for my own life. God convicts me of my weakness and sin and reluctance to move forward. You cannot reach the mountain top if you are forever contemplating whether to take the first step.

Quite a lot of ice is broken with the youth too. Though I can't get in sync with them like Ivan does, or command them like Iris does, but as Pastor Reynold says, they need to know that you are there if they need you. So, there I'll be. (Faith Hill song?) With that 'chop' on my forehead.

I have much to learn and to equip myself in. The question was am I willing to. And if I have no passion for anything in particular, why do I not ask? There is also a pattern of heartbreak for me in camp. Of our youth and broken families. Whether it is cold silence, absent parents or even a straying spouse, many of these kids bear the brunt of it and don't have people to share with. You can't sing with all your heart 'Break my heart for what breaks Yours' and expect to come out unscathed.

I don't intend to be some hero either. The experience in camp showed me that I am inadequate. But I serve a more than adequate God. I am to seek Him with all I am, know His voice, and obey when He speaks. Never me, Always Him.

Youth Camp...my turning point. =)