Funerals

Attended another funeral today.

Often times I wonder if ever my heart will be hardened or dulled if I attend so many wake services, funerals. Will my heart be hardened till I no longer can cry? I mean, sometimes, I don't feel anything when hearing someone has died.

But when I see the sobbing wife, men trying to hold back tears, children blur blur...I am filled with a sense of grief...

I realize that the Bible doesn't say mourn for every person who dies, even if you do not know them. It tells us to mourn with those who mourn. We are to be by the side of those who are still living, who feel the lost.

This year, I am reminded of the 17 year old who died; of little Anna, who went home to Jesus after only a few days; husbands who die in their 40s & 50s leaving young families to fend on their own.

Sometimes, I go (to the funeral/wake) feeling numbed. I try to focus on my 'job'...the words I will say, the songs I will sing and play, remember to give the pak kam.

You cannot cry hysterically. You must be composed. Since I do not know the family, I cannot comfort with hugs or to put arms around the person. Instead, I feel like an intruder with no feelings.

And yet...when you see the sorrow of those who live...you feel.

Perhaps, He will not let my heart be hardened. In a way, it's a scary thing, to know that He will allow me to feel...pain and joy...I will feel. Perhaps it is also scary to know that I could easily stop feeling too. I guess the scary thing is that if you can feel great joy, you will also be able to feel deep grief. In the same manner, if we can feel immense sorrow, we can also experience exuberant joy.

Today, I watched as many cried and loss composure over Uncle Matthew Gan's demise. Pastor Mal says it's hard to say good bye. I agree. It moves me to see such grief and though you know that there is hope, we also know that there is great pain.

But there IS hope. There is.

From the mountain...

...to the valley of the shadow of death.

Pastor Reynold was musing about this. That I had to come down from the mountain top and the first thing that I have to handle is a funeral of a 17 year old.

I hate these kind of funerals.

The other day it was the funeral of a 7 day old baby. Today it is a 17 year old boy.

These 'premature' leavings are often harder to minister at. What do you say? How do you comfort? You just grieve with those who grieve. And when you hear the anguished cries and the uncontrollable tears...how can you even sing 'To God be the glory'?

Are Christians/Pastors bipolar? At one point, we can clap and praise the Lord and be speaking with joy in our voice. At another point, just a few hours later, we cry with those who cry and sing praise songs contemplatively...bringing a sacrifice of praise hesitantly.

Here's an ironic closing statement, which would seem heartless if read in the wrong light: Life goes on...

Funerals

After a few, even my own paternal grandma's, I am now confused as how one should behave in such an environment. Do you laugh? Do you put on a solemn face? What do you say to the relatives?

I remember one particular grand aunty who came to grandma's funeral saying quite distinctively 'Very sorry for you loss' without...well...without much sorrow. And farnee thing is that my late grandma was her sister! Why is she 'sorry for MY loss' when it is also very much HER loss too? I dunno lah...

Anyhow, today, I thought I'd say 'peace be with you' but when I shook the relative's hand, I just shook in silence.

Then, the farnee thing is how we all can gather at the table and talk about something totally out of the question! And then laugh.

I know we aren't supposed to be like so sad until feeling dejected and all. But I also dunno if we should be laughing at all.

However, I have noticed this. That if the deceased is above 70, and sickly, most of the time the mood is 'lighter'. These kind of funerals are expected to happen.

The ones that have sombre moods are when a life is taken 'prematurely'. I put it in inverted commas because, like it or not, their passing never catches God by surprise, nor was it out of His expectation. But these funerals are filled with so much sobbing and great ache. I am careful with my expression at these kind of funerals. Certain things are appropriate. Certain things are not.

Again, I don't know how to react, behave, express at funerals. I also need to practice on what to say, and who to talk to during these 'events'. Truth is, even though they are church members, most of them I do not know. Most of them I am not familiar with to sit down and have a decent conversation with. Ah...it's not that I am INDECENT. =) But basically, since I don't know the mood, and I don't know the people, I don't know what to say.

Most times I realize I worry too much. =) Most people don't notice me anyway. =) It's sometimes a good thing. =)

Life (and death) happens

Mama Lok Ku passed away at around midnight between Sunday and Monday.

I was dead tired (forgive the pun). When the phonecall came, and mum said in her calm voice that mama had passed on...nothing. Somehow, it wasn't surprising nor shocking news even at 12 midnight, half groggy. I just sat up, waiting for koko to come out of his shower so I could tell him too.

I realize that I have a certain 'cool-ness' about me, that nothing really frazzles me. However, though I try to climb back into bed, so many things run through my mind that I get up, turn on my laptop and start sending out emails to get people to cover me while I am away in Ipoh. It is 2am by the time I turn off the laptop and climb into bed to sleep again. 5 hours later, I climb out of bed and do the needful.

I remain composed throughout the 3 days of prayers and funeral service. The only time I realize that my mind is not all there is when I was calculating the 'pak kam' on the first night. We were missing some money. After awhile, I realize that the only thing missing is my brain...as I had counted 3 stacks of RM10 as RM30 and not RM300. Yes, it is such a dumb mistake you wonder if it even merits to be called a mistake. *pengsan*

I wondered that throughout the 3 days I didn't shed one tear. Was I immune? Was my heart hardened? My heart moved a bit when my aunts cried yet no tears. I tried to be there for my cousin when she went to look at grandma and started to sob. But dad's family is pretty reserved in affection and it was like putting my arms around a 'wall' that cannot respond to human touch.

And I realize now why I couldn't cry. There was no one to cry with.

This is a great relief because I really was afraid that I was made of stone. How can one go through a whole funeral and not cry one tear...especially when it's her grandmother? When Ah Kong died, cry till heart also ache. Dog die also cry until eyes bengkak.

Driving back from church just now, after checking on the VBS group, I reflected on my last visit to Mama. That was the first time in so many months that she recognized me without being prompted and when she said 'Oh...lu si Lissa'. She remembers every other grandchild but me (since she started to get senile and alzheimers). Yet that one time, she got it right. First time I ever got to talk so much with her and even pray for her. First time I ever saw her so happy to see ME.

I also know that my emotions work on delayed telecast. Her death has finally reached the heart. And it feels good to say wiht deepest sincerity that I am going to miss her. I started to miss her a long time ago, when she got sick, couldn't talk very much, and couldn't remember very much either.

If all that commotion in Ipoh was not enough, Mama Ah Kooi got admitted to hospital with suspected chronic cardiac failure. (I have yet to understand this terminology.) And since the doctors still cannot determine what's the matter, most probably, it is due to old age. I suppose you could say that it's like a ticking timebomb...all looks calm and smooth, but it might explode and we can't predict it.

And all this while, I was supposed to be preparing just in case Low Kong passes on too.

I don't know if it's humorous, but the ironicity of it is that I always joke that I have to pray hard that no one dies while Pastor Reynold is away. And then my own grandma passes away and another gets admitted.

Life happens. You face it. It's bearable. With God. It's doable. With friends & family.

I understand now the value of an SMS despite it containing 'cliche' words like 'deepest condolences' and 'our sympathies'. Sometimes, it's not the words in the SMS but the name of the person who sent it. It pretty much is synonym to 'You cared'.

I understand now how much it means when friends attend a funeral of our loved ones. They don't have to. But when they are there, it just means you're in it together. When See Ee and See Teow and Mak Ee appeared, it was like fresh wind! People come all the way to mourn with those who mourn. It's wow. And even though dad's colleagues are seen as 'chor tai tee' kakis...they stayed from day one till the burial. They didn't have to. But they did.

This makes me realize that if ever my friends' lose someone dear to them, no matter how mafan it is, it's good just to go. Even if it seems kekok...it's okay, it's just good to go and be there.

I miss grandma. But I'm also grateful that her suffering is over. She loved the song 'How great Thou art'. We sang that.

Mama, mama...
I'm gonna miss you
Miss your presence, your cooking...and I've missed your ba-hoo

You never liked fish, and we never knew
Because you'd just smile and eat it, with a quiet 'thank you'
Somehow, for our sakes, you'd finish the fish head we served you

You used to feed us, as we cycled on our bikes
And patiently fed us, even food you knew we disliked!
You never forgot our birthdays, and in our successes, took delight
And angpows came whenever we did well or just alright

That tin of muruku you get each new year
You'd keep giving to me even when it was meant to bring you cheer
You said it's cause I liked it, and reserved it for me every year
And though it's silly, it's this thought that brings the tears

Grandma, I miss you... a lot.