Mama Lok Ku passed away at around midnight between Sunday and Monday.
I was dead tired (forgive the pun). When the phonecall came, and mum said in her calm voice that mama had passed on...nothing. Somehow, it wasn't surprising nor shocking news even at 12 midnight, half groggy. I just sat up, waiting for koko to come out of his shower so I could tell him too.
I realize that I have a certain 'cool-ness' about me, that nothing really frazzles me. However, though I try to climb back into bed, so many things run through my mind that I get up, turn on my laptop and start sending out emails to get people to cover me while I am away in Ipoh. It is 2am by the time I turn off the laptop and climb into bed to sleep again. 5 hours later, I climb out of bed and do the needful.
I remain composed throughout the 3 days of prayers and funeral service. The only time I realize that my mind is not all there is when I was calculating the 'pak kam' on the first night. We were missing some money. After awhile, I realize that the only thing missing is my brain...as I had counted 3 stacks of RM10 as RM30 and not RM300. Yes, it is such a dumb mistake you wonder if it even merits to be called a mistake. *pengsan*
I wondered that throughout the 3 days I didn't shed one tear. Was I immune? Was my heart hardened? My heart moved a bit when my aunts cried yet no tears. I tried to be there for my cousin when she went to look at grandma and started to sob. But dad's family is pretty reserved in affection and it was like putting my arms around a 'wall' that cannot respond to human touch.
And I realize now why I couldn't cry. There was no one to cry with.
This is a great relief because I really was afraid that I was made of stone. How can one go through a whole funeral and not cry one tear...especially when it's her grandmother? When Ah Kong died, cry till heart also ache. Dog die also cry until eyes bengkak.
Driving back from church just now, after checking on the VBS group, I reflected on my last visit to Mama. That was the first time in so many months that she recognized me without being prompted and when she said 'Oh...lu si Lissa'. She remembers every other grandchild but me (since she started to get senile and alzheimers). Yet that one time, she got it right. First time I ever got to talk so much with her and even pray for her. First time I ever saw her so happy to see ME.
I also know that my emotions work on delayed telecast. Her death has finally reached the heart. And it feels good to say wiht deepest sincerity that I am going to miss her. I started to miss her a long time ago, when she got sick, couldn't talk very much, and couldn't remember very much either.
If all that commotion in Ipoh was not enough, Mama Ah Kooi got admitted to hospital with suspected chronic cardiac failure. (I have yet to understand this terminology.) And since the doctors still cannot determine what's the matter, most probably, it is due to old age. I suppose you could say that it's like a ticking timebomb...all looks calm and smooth, but it might explode and we can't predict it.
And all this while, I was supposed to be preparing just in case Low Kong passes on too.
I don't know if it's humorous, but the ironicity of it is that I always joke that I have to pray hard that no one dies while Pastor Reynold is away. And then my own grandma passes away and another gets admitted.
Life happens. You face it. It's bearable. With God. It's doable. With friends & family.
I understand now the value of an SMS despite it containing 'cliche' words like 'deepest condolences' and 'our sympathies'. Sometimes, it's not the words in the SMS but the name of the person who sent it. It pretty much is synonym to 'You cared'.
I understand now how much it means when friends attend a funeral of our loved ones. They don't have to. But when they are there, it just means you're in it together. When See Ee and See Teow and Mak Ee appeared, it was like fresh wind! People come all the way to mourn with those who mourn. It's wow. And even though dad's colleagues are seen as 'chor tai tee' kakis...they stayed from day one till the burial. They didn't have to. But they did.
This makes me realize that if ever my friends' lose someone dear to them, no matter how mafan it is, it's good just to go. Even if it seems kekok...it's okay, it's just good to go and be there.
I miss grandma. But I'm also grateful that her suffering is over. She loved the song 'How great Thou art'. We sang that.
Mama, mama...
I'm gonna miss you
Miss your presence, your cooking...and I've missed your ba-hoo
You never liked fish, and we never knew
Because you'd just smile and eat it, with a quiet 'thank you'
Somehow, for our sakes, you'd finish the fish head we served you
You used to feed us, as we cycled on our bikes
And patiently fed us, even food you knew we disliked!
You never forgot our birthdays, and in our successes, took delight
And angpows came whenever we did well or just alright
That tin of muruku you get each new year
You'd keep giving to me even when it was meant to bring you cheer
You said it's cause I liked it, and reserved it for me every year
And though it's silly, it's this thought that brings the tears
Grandma, I miss you... a lot.
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