Today has been depressing. Heard the burdens my pastor has been going through and I wish it were not such. So many things have gone on recently. We never see it while looking at people.
Yesterday, was invited to attend a prayer for a man who has cancer. The operation pretty much revealed that the cancer had spread so far, little could be done. Imagine having to be on epidural for 5 days! We were praying to know God's will and direction. This was difficult for me. Firstly because my mind is preoccupied. Second because I am not able to function well since I do not know the family or their background. Cautious about what I say, wondering if God has truly said something to me regarding them.
Keep telling myself to keep calm. Don't try so hard. I find that the word 'WORD' stands out. I feel that God says to trust in His promises. But the question is, do they know God's promises? I also felt there was something hindering me from hearing. Or something in the house that was just 'stopping' God's word from flowing. To walk step by step, they needed God's word to be a lamp unto their path. But I didn't speak it. Then, Pastor spoke it. I later shared with him what I sensed, and he said it was accurate. Now, to learn to recognize it more.
Today, we went for a house cleansing. Once again, I felt a heaviness, a suffocation kind of feeling. Just uncomfortable. Then, I felt cold...with my hair raised. The one who could see then said that when I was standing at that position, she kind of saw a moving image. So...I guess the hair standing on ends is not a figment of my imagination.
I find that pastoral ministry is starting to hit home as even more scary each day. Not the spiritual stuff actually. But how people look to you for direction. Imagine having to make the decision with a family as to whether chemo or cryo is the way to go. It is a person's life. How shall we as 'outsiders' help in making such a decision? Are we ready to be accountable?
What about whether you tell about spirits in the house? Do you describe it to the children?
What about altar calls? Do people pray what God says or do they pray what they think they should? Hoping that God will do as they prayed.
This is crazy. Crazy. And then...we need to count money, budget and plan next year's activities. I wonder if it is okay if we just use brains for this and no need to go on godly counsel and wisdom.
Can we EVER live rightly without God's counsel? Does EVERYTHING need to be approved by Him before it is considered good and valid?
If...IF la...IF God called me to pastoral ministry, I wonder if He would be willing to reconsider and call me somewhere else. Somewhere more sane. Somewhere with less implications on people's lives.
I find that here I am, totally bowled over by the responsibility of being involved in lives. To provide counsel and direction. Here I am being asked about whether I heard God say anything about what a man should do with his life, what treatment he should take, and his very life is at stake. I am asked of whether a career change is wise. I am asked if I can sense evil spirits. Has God revealed these things to me? If yes, what did He reveal?
The next question is...do I know whether it was God!
And I am held back by the thought of the consequence of speaking into another person's life. Compared to a friend of mine who does not even see the consequence of his lack of boundaries in a friendship. Here I am worried about how I may mislead people and yet people ask for counsel. There he is, irresponsibly living as he wishes and giving people counsel with authority.
The ministry is full of mad happenings. Perhaps a bit of insanity is good for life.
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