...to the valley of the shadow of death.
Pastor Reynold was musing about this. That I had to come down from the mountain top and the first thing that I have to handle is a funeral of a 17 year old.
I hate these kind of funerals.
The other day it was the funeral of a 7 day old baby. Today it is a 17 year old boy.
These 'premature' leavings are often harder to minister at. What do you say? How do you comfort? You just grieve with those who grieve. And when you hear the anguished cries and the uncontrollable tears...how can you even sing 'To God be the glory'?
Are Christians/Pastors bipolar? At one point, we can clap and praise the Lord and be speaking with joy in our voice. At another point, just a few hours later, we cry with those who cry and sing praise songs contemplatively...bringing a sacrifice of praise hesitantly.
Here's an ironic closing statement, which would seem heartless if read in the wrong light: Life goes on...
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Of forgiveness...
I took over a youth cell last week and found myself being not very transformed in my temper and how I exhibit it.
Pastor Reynold says that when our conscience is sensitive to the Holy Spirit, unrighteous things will bother us. I know that I tore myself up for going at the lights near church but that's another story.
With this case, I was already bothered in my spirit from the time the cell was over. All the way home it bothered me: what I said, how I said it, and what he said.
Bill Hybels shared that in his meetings there are 'cry foul' moments. These are moments that are not righteous, where accusations are made and unfair statements thrown out. The person who receives the foul needs to rephrase the way they say things. If the group knew about the system, I would have cried foul of myself.
I later dug out my hamchoy list of youth contact numbers and wrote a 5 SMS long message to confess my sin and ask for forgiveness from this boy. Sometimes people will say that leaders should not show their weaknesses or admit their fault to those under them because they will cease to respect you. To the pits with face and pride.
I've come to realize that I very well misjudged my brother, although not entirely, but it is still a foul. It is easy to 'know' a person from hearsay, to make conclusions of one from others' opinions. It is easy, but not right. It creates also a biasness of opinion of them and a prejudgement.
If I ever hope to be a good leader, and eventually (though I hope this is a long way off) a pastor, I will not prejudge others.
This cheeky fellow saw me on Sunday and winked. *lol* Boys will be boys. And I take that as everything is forgiven. I can only say one thing about the whole incident and that is that I think we now have a more real relationship than before.
I used to wonder if I should act upon such a gut instinct. What if the wronged doesn't even feel it? I malufy myself for nothing? I make a mountain out of nothing? But I am starting to think that whether or not the person felt wronged, if God convicts me, I better do something about it!
So like that lah...perhaps more winks in the future? hahahaha!
Pastor Reynold says that when our conscience is sensitive to the Holy Spirit, unrighteous things will bother us. I know that I tore myself up for going at the lights near church but that's another story.
With this case, I was already bothered in my spirit from the time the cell was over. All the way home it bothered me: what I said, how I said it, and what he said.
Bill Hybels shared that in his meetings there are 'cry foul' moments. These are moments that are not righteous, where accusations are made and unfair statements thrown out. The person who receives the foul needs to rephrase the way they say things. If the group knew about the system, I would have cried foul of myself.
I later dug out my hamchoy list of youth contact numbers and wrote a 5 SMS long message to confess my sin and ask for forgiveness from this boy. Sometimes people will say that leaders should not show their weaknesses or admit their fault to those under them because they will cease to respect you. To the pits with face and pride.
I've come to realize that I very well misjudged my brother, although not entirely, but it is still a foul. It is easy to 'know' a person from hearsay, to make conclusions of one from others' opinions. It is easy, but not right. It creates also a biasness of opinion of them and a prejudgement.
If I ever hope to be a good leader, and eventually (though I hope this is a long way off) a pastor, I will not prejudge others.
This cheeky fellow saw me on Sunday and winked. *lol* Boys will be boys. And I take that as everything is forgiven. I can only say one thing about the whole incident and that is that I think we now have a more real relationship than before.
I used to wonder if I should act upon such a gut instinct. What if the wronged doesn't even feel it? I malufy myself for nothing? I make a mountain out of nothing? But I am starting to think that whether or not the person felt wronged, if God convicts me, I better do something about it!
So like that lah...perhaps more winks in the future? hahahaha!
Mentee resigned...
I knew the day would come. Being barred from seeing the fellow and not very much liked by his family anymore, it would prove to be almost impossible to mentor him. In addition to the fact that I am slow to move.
The fellow cited that he would need a guy mentor (something I did say earlier) since the stuff he goes through needs to be shared with a guy. Am not particularly discouraged, as I do think he would be better off with a guy who is more accessible to him and someone he can relate to.
As a pastor intern, I know that no longer being a mentor does not mean I will be any less involved in his life nor does it lessen the covering I am supposed to pray over him. It's funny...to get rid of Melissa from a person's life in church is quite hard. First, you have to get rid of her as an immediate leader. Then, you have to get rid of her as a church leader/pastoral care. Then, you have to get rid of her as a friend and acquaintance. So...ya, basically, sever one relationship with Melissa and you're still stuck with another 1 or 2 to get rid off.
The advantages of being an intern? heh...
The fellow cited that he would need a guy mentor (something I did say earlier) since the stuff he goes through needs to be shared with a guy. Am not particularly discouraged, as I do think he would be better off with a guy who is more accessible to him and someone he can relate to.
As a pastor intern, I know that no longer being a mentor does not mean I will be any less involved in his life nor does it lessen the covering I am supposed to pray over him. It's funny...to get rid of Melissa from a person's life in church is quite hard. First, you have to get rid of her as an immediate leader. Then, you have to get rid of her as a church leader/pastoral care. Then, you have to get rid of her as a friend and acquaintance. So...ya, basically, sever one relationship with Melissa and you're still stuck with another 1 or 2 to get rid off.
The advantages of being an intern? heh...
Porn
As I waited for the filter guy to come, I flipped through Asian Beacon's issue on pornography. Never did I realize the effects of it, especially in view of how women are degraded in the male addicts view.
Then, my mind wandered into the worst case scenario stuff. Imagine if the guy like, or boyfriend, or husband was trapped in porn. It's not only his problem lor. It becomes mine too. Because the more submerged he is in it, it means that I would eventually be compared to the almost physically perfect women used to portray that they want to be beaten and enjoy viscous sexual escapades at anytime, anywhere.
If I understand correctly, porn can be as much a threat to a relationship/marriage as a third party seducer or affair. And it's already in the homes of many!
As I read on, some thoughts of how devious Satan is came to mind. An almost helpless thought struck me that all is lost. How can we save our deteriorating society from this invasive corruption? Is it not a futile attempt? Why do we even bother? Yet I can think of at least one brother who struggles with this. And because I love him, I bother. And believe that there's hope. There has to be. The transforming power of God MUST do something to set these prisoners free. He MUST. If He doesn't, we have lost. And the devil laughs maliciously.
How do we, Lord, purge this wickedness from ourselves, our minds, our church, our communities?
My only thought? Prayer. Yet, I do not mean this as an end. Too often we see prayer as something we do when all comes to a seemingly helpless end. We say we pray when we don't know what else to do, have no words to speak. Yet, prayer is not the end. It is the beginning of finding the right solution, it is the seeking of strength to carry on the battle. Prayer and worship are not the end. It is the beginning of an undefeatable process to overcoming the impossible. (Did that make sense?)
Our prayers should propel us to action. Our worship should birth the ministries we endeavor in.
Come, come to Him all you who are weary and heavy laden, He will give you rest. Come with your burdens. Come with your anxiety. Our worship and prayer should be the place where He manifests His glory and imparts wisdom and direction on what we shall do with our burdens, our anxiety, our struggles with sin and bondage.
In every situation, may we be found giving thanks. Thank God for the victory that we have in our Lord Jesus Christ.
Then, my mind wandered into the worst case scenario stuff. Imagine if the guy like, or boyfriend, or husband was trapped in porn. It's not only his problem lor. It becomes mine too. Because the more submerged he is in it, it means that I would eventually be compared to the almost physically perfect women used to portray that they want to be beaten and enjoy viscous sexual escapades at anytime, anywhere.
If I understand correctly, porn can be as much a threat to a relationship/marriage as a third party seducer or affair. And it's already in the homes of many!
As I read on, some thoughts of how devious Satan is came to mind. An almost helpless thought struck me that all is lost. How can we save our deteriorating society from this invasive corruption? Is it not a futile attempt? Why do we even bother? Yet I can think of at least one brother who struggles with this. And because I love him, I bother. And believe that there's hope. There has to be. The transforming power of God MUST do something to set these prisoners free. He MUST. If He doesn't, we have lost. And the devil laughs maliciously.
How do we, Lord, purge this wickedness from ourselves, our minds, our church, our communities?
My only thought? Prayer. Yet, I do not mean this as an end. Too often we see prayer as something we do when all comes to a seemingly helpless end. We say we pray when we don't know what else to do, have no words to speak. Yet, prayer is not the end. It is the beginning of finding the right solution, it is the seeking of strength to carry on the battle. Prayer and worship are not the end. It is the beginning of an undefeatable process to overcoming the impossible. (Did that make sense?)
Our prayers should propel us to action. Our worship should birth the ministries we endeavor in.
Come, come to Him all you who are weary and heavy laden, He will give you rest. Come with your burdens. Come with your anxiety. Our worship and prayer should be the place where He manifests His glory and imparts wisdom and direction on what we shall do with our burdens, our anxiety, our struggles with sin and bondage.
In every situation, may we be found giving thanks. Thank God for the victory that we have in our Lord Jesus Christ.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Mentoring
I got a message today and it went something like this: Have you ever mentored anyone before?
Now, this question can go two ways.
1. Can you tell me HOW to mentor?
2. Can you mentor me?
Anyhow, my answer was candid. 'Haha! Yes and no. I never realized that I was doing it. Why?'
It was reason no. 2. This one is more intimidating. No. 1 I can always buy a book and hand it to the person. =)
I already know my response, even if it is intimidating (for me). I just wondered (and still do) if I am the right person. Someone once taught that, in mentoring, it is normally the mentor who approaches the mentee. The mentor selects. Just as Jesus selected. Now, I had long selected this one. I just thought I'd do my normal 'there, not there' (goodness, am sounding like Ivan!), 'keep an eye on' routine. Hence my 'Yes and no' answer. I do it without being accountable. Also, I thought the chemistry/affinity might be better with another leader, and not me.
And so, I've got myself an official mentee. Nope, not going to churn out a younger Melissa. Haha! That would be devastating! Trust me, it would be. =) So Lord, You gotta guide me here. So that this little one will be guided and encouraged to love and know YOU more. To be like Jesus more. To know His will. And to be faithful.
Now, this question can go two ways.
1. Can you tell me HOW to mentor?
2. Can you mentor me?
Anyhow, my answer was candid. 'Haha! Yes and no. I never realized that I was doing it. Why?'
It was reason no. 2. This one is more intimidating. No. 1 I can always buy a book and hand it to the person. =)
I already know my response, even if it is intimidating (for me). I just wondered (and still do) if I am the right person. Someone once taught that, in mentoring, it is normally the mentor who approaches the mentee. The mentor selects. Just as Jesus selected. Now, I had long selected this one. I just thought I'd do my normal 'there, not there' (goodness, am sounding like Ivan!), 'keep an eye on' routine. Hence my 'Yes and no' answer. I do it without being accountable. Also, I thought the chemistry/affinity might be better with another leader, and not me.
And so, I've got myself an official mentee. Nope, not going to churn out a younger Melissa. Haha! That would be devastating! Trust me, it would be. =) So Lord, You gotta guide me here. So that this little one will be guided and encouraged to love and know YOU more. To be like Jesus more. To know His will. And to be faithful.
Funerals
After a few, even my own paternal grandma's, I am now confused as how one should behave in such an environment. Do you laugh? Do you put on a solemn face? What do you say to the relatives?
I remember one particular grand aunty who came to grandma's funeral saying quite distinctively 'Very sorry for you loss' without...well...without much sorrow. And farnee thing is that my late grandma was her sister! Why is she 'sorry for MY loss' when it is also very much HER loss too? I dunno lah...
Anyhow, today, I thought I'd say 'peace be with you' but when I shook the relative's hand, I just shook in silence.
Then, the farnee thing is how we all can gather at the table and talk about something totally out of the question! And then laugh.
I know we aren't supposed to be like so sad until feeling dejected and all. But I also dunno if we should be laughing at all.
However, I have noticed this. That if the deceased is above 70, and sickly, most of the time the mood is 'lighter'. These kind of funerals are expected to happen.
The ones that have sombre moods are when a life is taken 'prematurely'. I put it in inverted commas because, like it or not, their passing never catches God by surprise, nor was it out of His expectation. But these funerals are filled with so much sobbing and great ache. I am careful with my expression at these kind of funerals. Certain things are appropriate. Certain things are not.
Again, I don't know how to react, behave, express at funerals. I also need to practice on what to say, and who to talk to during these 'events'. Truth is, even though they are church members, most of them I do not know. Most of them I am not familiar with to sit down and have a decent conversation with. Ah...it's not that I am INDECENT. =) But basically, since I don't know the mood, and I don't know the people, I don't know what to say.
Most times I realize I worry too much. =) Most people don't notice me anyway. =) It's sometimes a good thing. =)
I remember one particular grand aunty who came to grandma's funeral saying quite distinctively 'Very sorry for you loss' without...well...without much sorrow. And farnee thing is that my late grandma was her sister! Why is she 'sorry for MY loss' when it is also very much HER loss too? I dunno lah...
Anyhow, today, I thought I'd say 'peace be with you' but when I shook the relative's hand, I just shook in silence.
Then, the farnee thing is how we all can gather at the table and talk about something totally out of the question! And then laugh.
I know we aren't supposed to be like so sad until feeling dejected and all. But I also dunno if we should be laughing at all.
However, I have noticed this. That if the deceased is above 70, and sickly, most of the time the mood is 'lighter'. These kind of funerals are expected to happen.
The ones that have sombre moods are when a life is taken 'prematurely'. I put it in inverted commas because, like it or not, their passing never catches God by surprise, nor was it out of His expectation. But these funerals are filled with so much sobbing and great ache. I am careful with my expression at these kind of funerals. Certain things are appropriate. Certain things are not.
Again, I don't know how to react, behave, express at funerals. I also need to practice on what to say, and who to talk to during these 'events'. Truth is, even though they are church members, most of them I do not know. Most of them I am not familiar with to sit down and have a decent conversation with. Ah...it's not that I am INDECENT. =) But basically, since I don't know the mood, and I don't know the people, I don't know what to say.
Most times I realize I worry too much. =) Most people don't notice me anyway. =) It's sometimes a good thing. =)
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Youth Camp
The beginning of December was quite busy for me as I traveled from PJ to KB and then back and then up to Gentings. I had anticipated that I would feel burnt when I reached Gentings. It did not particularly appeal to me as I really just wanted some time alone, to recuperate.
Getting me a room to myself for the first night was perhaps a wise decision made earlier by Iris. At first I thought it would be used for counselling purposes. But in the end, it was used for my own recuperating purposes so that when out with the youth, I would be more effective.
The first afternoon/evening, before the session began, I sat on the floor of the room, stared at the bible, and began to pour myself out to God. What in the world did He put me here for. For enthusiam and energy, the youth have Ivan to look up to. For direction and authority, they have Iris. For 'entertainment' they had Pastor Victor. What did they need me for?
I get up from the floor, and resolve to be useful to whomever, whenever. Here am I, Lord...what do You want me to do? Open my eyes to those You want me to touch, even if it's just one. It matters. I'll be there. Show me where to go, where to be.
After the first session, I think things go pretty smoothly, though I have my reservations about the speaker. I am minding my own business when suddenly the camp commandant urgently beckons me to come. Her tone worries me. And lo behold, the speaker is praying for one of our youth. After whispering something to her, he gets up and leaves and the 'floor' is left to me. The youth either expect me to say something or do something.
My heart breaks to hear her story.
Later on, another girl comes to talk to me. With her, I have a little less compassion. Some may think I am harsh sometimes, especially if you hear my tone. Those very experienced in counselling might be aghast at my choice of words and levelness. If you come to me for a pity party, you won't get it. I will tell to your face what I think you should do, take it or leave it. Whatever your choice, because I am your leader, I will still have to watch over you. But I am not going to pity you. I am not going to coax you gently out of it. I will declare to you who you are in Christ Jesus, and ask that your ears be closed to the devil's lies.
Later, I have a discussion with one of the leaders, whom I am trying to mentor very low profile-ly. It's a good discussion. I am surprised he opens up and shares his opinions.
First night over.
The second night...Pastor Victor invites the local leaders to minister to the youth, to 'welcome them home' with a hug. There are quite a few adult helpers around, so this is good. I look around to see if we miss anyone. I see my cousin. Sometimes, the most overlooked people are the leaders themselves. And often the musicians. I see a young adult needing a shoulder to lean on too. Later on, I see a young girl. She seems to avoid me, so I stay clear.
Later I decline to go for supper with my peers because I think I should 'be there'. I start to pack up my bag things and suddenly the girl who avoided me, barges into me, and starts to pour out her heart! Truthfully, I hardly understand what she is saying. After 1 and a half hours of wailing and crying, I learn to discern when and how to stop a counselling session.
Jojo muses that I have just been tested in all expects of pastoral care in one night.
The next night, again, another ministering time which local leaders are invited to help minister. This time we are asked to pray for them. God opened my eyes to see that He doesn't see the person, but He is God. He will come upon whom He wants, not because of the volume of the prayer or the experience of the one praying.
I also am challenged as to how to encourage my own cousin. Basically I try to tell him that no matter how great a leader you are in CF or in youth, you're still allowed to be my little cousin, whom I will take care of, and it's okay to be vulnerable for a moment. I remember him as more expressive when he was younger...but I guess they do grow up. And I recognize that though I am his cousin, I have yet to earn his trust as a friend and leader. And so, we'll build and see what happens. The next day, he gives me this aww shucks look. And I know he's okay.
Pastor prays for specific age group people, encouraging them with words of prophecy and exhortation. As I allow another girl to just lean on my shoulders, I pray that he will also encourage one of our leaders whom I feel people overlook and whom I dunno how to reach. God answers. Am glad.
Before the night ends, another young girl comes to me and asks if she can just have a chit chat with me. I start to wonder if God has engraved on my forehead 'I only look fierce, but am a softie'.
After our short heart to heart talk, the adult helpers suggest to go to McDs. Ivan drives. Sometimes, I think Ivan is like Kean Khang. He assumes the role of driver, no questions asked. In the car, the 3 guys do most of the talking. It's kind of nice not to have to make conversation. After a long day, it's just nice to be around people without having to speak.
By the end of the camp, I no longer ask why I was there. I also learn a valuable object lesson for my own life. God convicts me of my weakness and sin and reluctance to move forward. You cannot reach the mountain top if you are forever contemplating whether to take the first step.
Quite a lot of ice is broken with the youth too. Though I can't get in sync with them like Ivan does, or command them like Iris does, but as Pastor Reynold says, they need to know that you are there if they need you. So, there I'll be. (Faith Hill song?) With that 'chop' on my forehead.
I have much to learn and to equip myself in. The question was am I willing to. And if I have no passion for anything in particular, why do I not ask? There is also a pattern of heartbreak for me in camp. Of our youth and broken families. Whether it is cold silence, absent parents or even a straying spouse, many of these kids bear the brunt of it and don't have people to share with. You can't sing with all your heart 'Break my heart for what breaks Yours' and expect to come out unscathed.
I don't intend to be some hero either. The experience in camp showed me that I am inadequate. But I serve a more than adequate God. I am to seek Him with all I am, know His voice, and obey when He speaks. Never me, Always Him.
Youth Camp...my turning point. =)
Getting me a room to myself for the first night was perhaps a wise decision made earlier by Iris. At first I thought it would be used for counselling purposes. But in the end, it was used for my own recuperating purposes so that when out with the youth, I would be more effective.
The first afternoon/evening, before the session began, I sat on the floor of the room, stared at the bible, and began to pour myself out to God. What in the world did He put me here for. For enthusiam and energy, the youth have Ivan to look up to. For direction and authority, they have Iris. For 'entertainment' they had Pastor Victor. What did they need me for?
I get up from the floor, and resolve to be useful to whomever, whenever. Here am I, Lord...what do You want me to do? Open my eyes to those You want me to touch, even if it's just one. It matters. I'll be there. Show me where to go, where to be.
After the first session, I think things go pretty smoothly, though I have my reservations about the speaker. I am minding my own business when suddenly the camp commandant urgently beckons me to come. Her tone worries me. And lo behold, the speaker is praying for one of our youth. After whispering something to her, he gets up and leaves and the 'floor' is left to me. The youth either expect me to say something or do something.
My heart breaks to hear her story.
Later on, another girl comes to talk to me. With her, I have a little less compassion. Some may think I am harsh sometimes, especially if you hear my tone. Those very experienced in counselling might be aghast at my choice of words and levelness. If you come to me for a pity party, you won't get it. I will tell to your face what I think you should do, take it or leave it. Whatever your choice, because I am your leader, I will still have to watch over you. But I am not going to pity you. I am not going to coax you gently out of it. I will declare to you who you are in Christ Jesus, and ask that your ears be closed to the devil's lies.
Later, I have a discussion with one of the leaders, whom I am trying to mentor very low profile-ly. It's a good discussion. I am surprised he opens up and shares his opinions.
First night over.
The second night...Pastor Victor invites the local leaders to minister to the youth, to 'welcome them home' with a hug. There are quite a few adult helpers around, so this is good. I look around to see if we miss anyone. I see my cousin. Sometimes, the most overlooked people are the leaders themselves. And often the musicians. I see a young adult needing a shoulder to lean on too. Later on, I see a young girl. She seems to avoid me, so I stay clear.
Later I decline to go for supper with my peers because I think I should 'be there'. I start to pack up my bag things and suddenly the girl who avoided me, barges into me, and starts to pour out her heart! Truthfully, I hardly understand what she is saying. After 1 and a half hours of wailing and crying, I learn to discern when and how to stop a counselling session.
Jojo muses that I have just been tested in all expects of pastoral care in one night.
The next night, again, another ministering time which local leaders are invited to help minister. This time we are asked to pray for them. God opened my eyes to see that He doesn't see the person, but He is God. He will come upon whom He wants, not because of the volume of the prayer or the experience of the one praying.
I also am challenged as to how to encourage my own cousin. Basically I try to tell him that no matter how great a leader you are in CF or in youth, you're still allowed to be my little cousin, whom I will take care of, and it's okay to be vulnerable for a moment. I remember him as more expressive when he was younger...but I guess they do grow up. And I recognize that though I am his cousin, I have yet to earn his trust as a friend and leader. And so, we'll build and see what happens. The next day, he gives me this aww shucks look. And I know he's okay.
Pastor prays for specific age group people, encouraging them with words of prophecy and exhortation. As I allow another girl to just lean on my shoulders, I pray that he will also encourage one of our leaders whom I feel people overlook and whom I dunno how to reach. God answers. Am glad.
Before the night ends, another young girl comes to me and asks if she can just have a chit chat with me. I start to wonder if God has engraved on my forehead 'I only look fierce, but am a softie'.
After our short heart to heart talk, the adult helpers suggest to go to McDs. Ivan drives. Sometimes, I think Ivan is like Kean Khang. He assumes the role of driver, no questions asked. In the car, the 3 guys do most of the talking. It's kind of nice not to have to make conversation. After a long day, it's just nice to be around people without having to speak.
By the end of the camp, I no longer ask why I was there. I also learn a valuable object lesson for my own life. God convicts me of my weakness and sin and reluctance to move forward. You cannot reach the mountain top if you are forever contemplating whether to take the first step.
Quite a lot of ice is broken with the youth too. Though I can't get in sync with them like Ivan does, or command them like Iris does, but as Pastor Reynold says, they need to know that you are there if they need you. So, there I'll be. (Faith Hill song?) With that 'chop' on my forehead.
I have much to learn and to equip myself in. The question was am I willing to. And if I have no passion for anything in particular, why do I not ask? There is also a pattern of heartbreak for me in camp. Of our youth and broken families. Whether it is cold silence, absent parents or even a straying spouse, many of these kids bear the brunt of it and don't have people to share with. You can't sing with all your heart 'Break my heart for what breaks Yours' and expect to come out unscathed.
I don't intend to be some hero either. The experience in camp showed me that I am inadequate. But I serve a more than adequate God. I am to seek Him with all I am, know His voice, and obey when He speaks. Never me, Always Him.
Youth Camp...my turning point. =)
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