Today, as I sat amongst the pastors in our staff meeting, something in my heart moved...was convicted, quietly.
There are things that are going to happen in the future. Some greatly magnificent, some greatly terrifying if we are not prepared.
As I hear Pastor Reynold speak, and we look at what is in store for CBC in the coming years, I am greatly excited, challenged, and in a way...intimidated. Are we ready? Can we make it? Looking at how we were before...will things be dramatically different?
If so, we must change dramatically too. Are we prepared as leaders? To step up a notch?
As I look around me, these men and women who have given their lives to the service of people out of their love for God and honoring their calling in life, they are simple people...we are simple people. Yet...we have a tremendously magnificent and great God! If He says go...shall we not dare? If He says come, shall we not dare?
And I see around me, men and women who will dare...because He says. Not by their abilities, not by their strength, but through His empowering, granted to us by grace, as we place our trust and faith in Him.
We are changing. Things are coming together in a new way. We are excited. There will be 'teething issues' to sort out as we get to know each other more dearly, yet...it is by consensus that we face it head on, clothed and 'armed' with love for each other.
Two things...
I am privileged to work with these men and women and to be loved and accepted by them.
There are great things to come.
There are great things to come.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Funerals
Attended another funeral today.
Often times I wonder if ever my heart will be hardened or dulled if I attend so many wake services, funerals. Will my heart be hardened till I no longer can cry? I mean, sometimes, I don't feel anything when hearing someone has died.
But when I see the sobbing wife, men trying to hold back tears, children blur blur...I am filled with a sense of grief...
I realize that the Bible doesn't say mourn for every person who dies, even if you do not know them. It tells us to mourn with those who mourn. We are to be by the side of those who are still living, who feel the lost.
This year, I am reminded of the 17 year old who died; of little Anna, who went home to Jesus after only a few days; husbands who die in their 40s & 50s leaving young families to fend on their own.
Sometimes, I go (to the funeral/wake) feeling numbed. I try to focus on my 'job'...the words I will say, the songs I will sing and play, remember to give the pak kam.
You cannot cry hysterically. You must be composed. Since I do not know the family, I cannot comfort with hugs or to put arms around the person. Instead, I feel like an intruder with no feelings.
And yet...when you see the sorrow of those who live...you feel.
Perhaps, He will not let my heart be hardened. In a way, it's a scary thing, to know that He will allow me to feel...pain and joy...I will feel. Perhaps it is also scary to know that I could easily stop feeling too. I guess the scary thing is that if you can feel great joy, you will also be able to feel deep grief. In the same manner, if we can feel immense sorrow, we can also experience exuberant joy.
Today, I watched as many cried and loss composure over Uncle Matthew Gan's demise. Pastor Mal says it's hard to say good bye. I agree. It moves me to see such grief and though you know that there is hope, we also know that there is great pain.
But there IS hope. There is.
Often times I wonder if ever my heart will be hardened or dulled if I attend so many wake services, funerals. Will my heart be hardened till I no longer can cry? I mean, sometimes, I don't feel anything when hearing someone has died.
But when I see the sobbing wife, men trying to hold back tears, children blur blur...I am filled with a sense of grief...
I realize that the Bible doesn't say mourn for every person who dies, even if you do not know them. It tells us to mourn with those who mourn. We are to be by the side of those who are still living, who feel the lost.
This year, I am reminded of the 17 year old who died; of little Anna, who went home to Jesus after only a few days; husbands who die in their 40s & 50s leaving young families to fend on their own.
Sometimes, I go (to the funeral/wake) feeling numbed. I try to focus on my 'job'...the words I will say, the songs I will sing and play, remember to give the pak kam.
You cannot cry hysterically. You must be composed. Since I do not know the family, I cannot comfort with hugs or to put arms around the person. Instead, I feel like an intruder with no feelings.
And yet...when you see the sorrow of those who live...you feel.
Perhaps, He will not let my heart be hardened. In a way, it's a scary thing, to know that He will allow me to feel...pain and joy...I will feel. Perhaps it is also scary to know that I could easily stop feeling too. I guess the scary thing is that if you can feel great joy, you will also be able to feel deep grief. In the same manner, if we can feel immense sorrow, we can also experience exuberant joy.
Today, I watched as many cried and loss composure over Uncle Matthew Gan's demise. Pastor Mal says it's hard to say good bye. I agree. It moves me to see such grief and though you know that there is hope, we also know that there is great pain.
But there IS hope. There is.
Causes & Funds
Sometimes, I just feel grrrr...
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
There are websites of many good ministries doing different things...good things. Sometimes, I get 'angry' because I think each ministry seems to be 'competing' to say that their ministry is more important. Sometimes, I get frustrated when it seems that each cause is trying to push their cause, to promote it...to 'cast their vision'.
Sometimes I think we have become so commercialized. By we, I mean Christian 'causes', 'ministries', 'missions'.
We promote our 'community projects', our 'missions', our 'causes' to 'get' people to give to it.
I know we do not do it for our own good or benefit. I know that deep down, and at the root of it, these are stemmed by love for God and wanting to make a change for justice, to help those who have no voice...etc.
I know there is nothing wrong. Yet...I dunno why...it just kills a part of me when I think we're just out to promote OUR ministries. I dunno. Forgive me God if I am judging. I really dunno if this is accuracy in discernment or is it just rebellion against 'causes'.
If it's not against Him, then, let it be. Is this, Lord, what should be the principle?
Maybe it frustrates me because...there are so many causes...and only one me...*cry cry cry* shows me how limited I am...and small...in comparison to the big problems this world faces.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
There are websites of many good ministries doing different things...good things. Sometimes, I get 'angry' because I think each ministry seems to be 'competing' to say that their ministry is more important. Sometimes, I get frustrated when it seems that each cause is trying to push their cause, to promote it...to 'cast their vision'.
Sometimes I think we have become so commercialized. By we, I mean Christian 'causes', 'ministries', 'missions'.
We promote our 'community projects', our 'missions', our 'causes' to 'get' people to give to it.
I know we do not do it for our own good or benefit. I know that deep down, and at the root of it, these are stemmed by love for God and wanting to make a change for justice, to help those who have no voice...etc.
I know there is nothing wrong. Yet...I dunno why...it just kills a part of me when I think we're just out to promote OUR ministries. I dunno. Forgive me God if I am judging. I really dunno if this is accuracy in discernment or is it just rebellion against 'causes'.
If it's not against Him, then, let it be. Is this, Lord, what should be the principle?
Maybe it frustrates me because...there are so many causes...and only one me...*cry cry cry* shows me how limited I am...and small...in comparison to the big problems this world faces.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Of denominations and such...
RM50...RM10...RM5...=)
Not that kind of denominations lah...
Recently have been...struggling (wonder if that's the most accurate word?)...with all that is good competing with each other. Just let me throw out some rough thoughts...
Do you realize how many good 'programs' there are for evangelism? How many methods? How many courses? How many books and material and AVA and concepts and strategies...? Do you realize? And in the Christian world, everyone seems to be trying to 'sell' their idea. They won't tell you the loopholes because that would be marketing suicide. They just tell you that 'you need', that 'this is unique', that 'it works', that 'it's MORE than good'...but pray about it.
=)
Then there are so many areas of need. People tell you that single mom's are in need. People tell you that orphans are in need. People tell you that the mentally handicapped are in need. Physical handicaps, rocky marriages, single women, single men, homosexuals, kid addicted to porn, abused kids, abused wives (and sometimes husbands), kids from broken homes, the poor, the homeless, the sick, the unreached.
And everyone tells you it's important, to support their cause. If you don't, though I think they don't mean it, they give you that look that says 'How can you harden your heart so?'
Then you wonder, well, I wonder, why I'm committing 2 years of my life to studying for? I wonder why He would call me to 'sit still and do nothing and waste time'. But I've been here before...this wasting time thingy...but it's the axe that needs sharpening before I go out chopping trees and wood.
Yeah...sorry that was off tangent.
But yeah...every cause seems important...and it is...to different people.
And I find myself gradually getting frustrated with trying to sort the important from the urgent, the good from the needful. It cannot be that we adopt EVERY strategy, EVERY program, do EVERYTHING people expect of us.
Truthfully, I will die in the process. And so, I shut off.
It's like choosing a guitar class. There are so many teachers, so many methods, so many schools, so many packages...why choose one particular one...when they all work?
I think in the end, it really is about stickability.
Anyhow, the topic was denominations.
Do you also realize that sometimes the old school of thought of a certain denomination working within their denomination alone is very detrimental, very skewed, very marginalizing? Yesterday we were asked to pray for the unity of a certain denomination. I don't mind praying for unity, and for goodness sakes, if a denomination is not united, then how to unite with the rest of the Christian community? But, if we ourselves as exclusive, then I have my reservations.
Yeah...I think I will chew on this a bit more.
Not that kind of denominations lah...
Recently have been...struggling (wonder if that's the most accurate word?)...with all that is good competing with each other. Just let me throw out some rough thoughts...
Do you realize how many good 'programs' there are for evangelism? How many methods? How many courses? How many books and material and AVA and concepts and strategies...? Do you realize? And in the Christian world, everyone seems to be trying to 'sell' their idea. They won't tell you the loopholes because that would be marketing suicide. They just tell you that 'you need', that 'this is unique', that 'it works', that 'it's MORE than good'...but pray about it.
=)
Then there are so many areas of need. People tell you that single mom's are in need. People tell you that orphans are in need. People tell you that the mentally handicapped are in need. Physical handicaps, rocky marriages, single women, single men, homosexuals, kid addicted to porn, abused kids, abused wives (and sometimes husbands), kids from broken homes, the poor, the homeless, the sick, the unreached.
And everyone tells you it's important, to support their cause. If you don't, though I think they don't mean it, they give you that look that says 'How can you harden your heart so?'
Then you wonder, well, I wonder, why I'm committing 2 years of my life to studying for? I wonder why He would call me to 'sit still and do nothing and waste time'. But I've been here before...this wasting time thingy...but it's the axe that needs sharpening before I go out chopping trees and wood.
Yeah...sorry that was off tangent.
But yeah...every cause seems important...and it is...to different people.
And I find myself gradually getting frustrated with trying to sort the important from the urgent, the good from the needful. It cannot be that we adopt EVERY strategy, EVERY program, do EVERYTHING people expect of us.
Truthfully, I will die in the process. And so, I shut off.
It's like choosing a guitar class. There are so many teachers, so many methods, so many schools, so many packages...why choose one particular one...when they all work?
I think in the end, it really is about stickability.
Anyhow, the topic was denominations.
Do you also realize that sometimes the old school of thought of a certain denomination working within their denomination alone is very detrimental, very skewed, very marginalizing? Yesterday we were asked to pray for the unity of a certain denomination. I don't mind praying for unity, and for goodness sakes, if a denomination is not united, then how to unite with the rest of the Christian community? But, if we ourselves as exclusive, then I have my reservations.
Yeah...I think I will chew on this a bit more.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
From the mountain...
...to the valley of the shadow of death.
Pastor Reynold was musing about this. That I had to come down from the mountain top and the first thing that I have to handle is a funeral of a 17 year old.
I hate these kind of funerals.
The other day it was the funeral of a 7 day old baby. Today it is a 17 year old boy.
These 'premature' leavings are often harder to minister at. What do you say? How do you comfort? You just grieve with those who grieve. And when you hear the anguished cries and the uncontrollable tears...how can you even sing 'To God be the glory'?
Are Christians/Pastors bipolar? At one point, we can clap and praise the Lord and be speaking with joy in our voice. At another point, just a few hours later, we cry with those who cry and sing praise songs contemplatively...bringing a sacrifice of praise hesitantly.
Here's an ironic closing statement, which would seem heartless if read in the wrong light: Life goes on...
Pastor Reynold was musing about this. That I had to come down from the mountain top and the first thing that I have to handle is a funeral of a 17 year old.
I hate these kind of funerals.
The other day it was the funeral of a 7 day old baby. Today it is a 17 year old boy.
These 'premature' leavings are often harder to minister at. What do you say? How do you comfort? You just grieve with those who grieve. And when you hear the anguished cries and the uncontrollable tears...how can you even sing 'To God be the glory'?
Are Christians/Pastors bipolar? At one point, we can clap and praise the Lord and be speaking with joy in our voice. At another point, just a few hours later, we cry with those who cry and sing praise songs contemplatively...bringing a sacrifice of praise hesitantly.
Here's an ironic closing statement, which would seem heartless if read in the wrong light: Life goes on...
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Of forgiveness...
I took over a youth cell last week and found myself being not very transformed in my temper and how I exhibit it.
Pastor Reynold says that when our conscience is sensitive to the Holy Spirit, unrighteous things will bother us. I know that I tore myself up for going at the lights near church but that's another story.
With this case, I was already bothered in my spirit from the time the cell was over. All the way home it bothered me: what I said, how I said it, and what he said.
Bill Hybels shared that in his meetings there are 'cry foul' moments. These are moments that are not righteous, where accusations are made and unfair statements thrown out. The person who receives the foul needs to rephrase the way they say things. If the group knew about the system, I would have cried foul of myself.
I later dug out my hamchoy list of youth contact numbers and wrote a 5 SMS long message to confess my sin and ask for forgiveness from this boy. Sometimes people will say that leaders should not show their weaknesses or admit their fault to those under them because they will cease to respect you. To the pits with face and pride.
I've come to realize that I very well misjudged my brother, although not entirely, but it is still a foul. It is easy to 'know' a person from hearsay, to make conclusions of one from others' opinions. It is easy, but not right. It creates also a biasness of opinion of them and a prejudgement.
If I ever hope to be a good leader, and eventually (though I hope this is a long way off) a pastor, I will not prejudge others.
This cheeky fellow saw me on Sunday and winked. *lol* Boys will be boys. And I take that as everything is forgiven. I can only say one thing about the whole incident and that is that I think we now have a more real relationship than before.
I used to wonder if I should act upon such a gut instinct. What if the wronged doesn't even feel it? I malufy myself for nothing? I make a mountain out of nothing? But I am starting to think that whether or not the person felt wronged, if God convicts me, I better do something about it!
So like that lah...perhaps more winks in the future? hahahaha!
Pastor Reynold says that when our conscience is sensitive to the Holy Spirit, unrighteous things will bother us. I know that I tore myself up for going at the lights near church but that's another story.
With this case, I was already bothered in my spirit from the time the cell was over. All the way home it bothered me: what I said, how I said it, and what he said.
Bill Hybels shared that in his meetings there are 'cry foul' moments. These are moments that are not righteous, where accusations are made and unfair statements thrown out. The person who receives the foul needs to rephrase the way they say things. If the group knew about the system, I would have cried foul of myself.
I later dug out my hamchoy list of youth contact numbers and wrote a 5 SMS long message to confess my sin and ask for forgiveness from this boy. Sometimes people will say that leaders should not show their weaknesses or admit their fault to those under them because they will cease to respect you. To the pits with face and pride.
I've come to realize that I very well misjudged my brother, although not entirely, but it is still a foul. It is easy to 'know' a person from hearsay, to make conclusions of one from others' opinions. It is easy, but not right. It creates also a biasness of opinion of them and a prejudgement.
If I ever hope to be a good leader, and eventually (though I hope this is a long way off) a pastor, I will not prejudge others.
This cheeky fellow saw me on Sunday and winked. *lol* Boys will be boys. And I take that as everything is forgiven. I can only say one thing about the whole incident and that is that I think we now have a more real relationship than before.
I used to wonder if I should act upon such a gut instinct. What if the wronged doesn't even feel it? I malufy myself for nothing? I make a mountain out of nothing? But I am starting to think that whether or not the person felt wronged, if God convicts me, I better do something about it!
So like that lah...perhaps more winks in the future? hahahaha!
Mentee resigned...
I knew the day would come. Being barred from seeing the fellow and not very much liked by his family anymore, it would prove to be almost impossible to mentor him. In addition to the fact that I am slow to move.
The fellow cited that he would need a guy mentor (something I did say earlier) since the stuff he goes through needs to be shared with a guy. Am not particularly discouraged, as I do think he would be better off with a guy who is more accessible to him and someone he can relate to.
As a pastor intern, I know that no longer being a mentor does not mean I will be any less involved in his life nor does it lessen the covering I am supposed to pray over him. It's funny...to get rid of Melissa from a person's life in church is quite hard. First, you have to get rid of her as an immediate leader. Then, you have to get rid of her as a church leader/pastoral care. Then, you have to get rid of her as a friend and acquaintance. So...ya, basically, sever one relationship with Melissa and you're still stuck with another 1 or 2 to get rid off.
The advantages of being an intern? heh...
The fellow cited that he would need a guy mentor (something I did say earlier) since the stuff he goes through needs to be shared with a guy. Am not particularly discouraged, as I do think he would be better off with a guy who is more accessible to him and someone he can relate to.
As a pastor intern, I know that no longer being a mentor does not mean I will be any less involved in his life nor does it lessen the covering I am supposed to pray over him. It's funny...to get rid of Melissa from a person's life in church is quite hard. First, you have to get rid of her as an immediate leader. Then, you have to get rid of her as a church leader/pastoral care. Then, you have to get rid of her as a friend and acquaintance. So...ya, basically, sever one relationship with Melissa and you're still stuck with another 1 or 2 to get rid off.
The advantages of being an intern? heh...
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